Surreptitiously on Tiger’s side, so you don’t have to be…
… although it is hard to be on Tiger’s side when you’ve got a gossip post to write and he and that all-encompassing libido of his have a monopoly on everyone’s attention. Jennifer Aniston could set fire to her personal chef in the middle of Times Square and no one would notice, such is the magnitude of Tiger’s mauling. I’d feel terribly sorry for him, if it wasn’t for the fact that a million hotties are pawing at his back pocket. I mean, that’s not bad going, for a bloke who was christened Tiger, has teeth the size of Peter Schmeichel’s hands, and wears pastel polo shirts all day; the hayters just jealous, y’all! Anyway, because I’m intrepid like that, I managed to put together some non-Tiger-related gossip for you hungry, hungry hippos. Bully for all of us, I’m sure you’ll agree.
Speaking of bullies, apparently Robson Green, of Robson and Jerome … er, “fame” … has become fed up with Louis Walsh taking the piss out of him, and has threatened to “punch his lights out”.
“He wouldn’t see it coming with all the surgery he’s had. In fact Louis had better get himself a decent cosmetic surgeon because at the moment, Louis, you look like you’ve been shot.” Ooh, missus! Sounds like somebody wishes Louis Walsh’s memory was as mercifully short as his own! Now, I know Robson has been swimming all over the world and stuff (if I’m understanding correctly all those TV ads he’s in all of a sudden), but does he really think he’s hard enough to take on a real life Mayo man? That ain’t blusher Louis’ wearing; that’s authentic, boghole-swilling ruddiness! And on top of that, does Robson Green really think any of us have forgiven him for that horrendous cover of Up On The Roof? I’m on Louis Walsh’s side here; reacting with petulance to someone taking the mickey out of your shocking back catalogue of cover versions seems a wee bit wet to me. And being on the side of a Mayoman is a big thing for a Tribeswoman, trust me.
It’s often said that male bullies threaten violence, but female bullies attack with cruel words, and that’s certainly the case with ridiculous wannabe Tila Tequila and her recent stomach-turning comments about popstar Rihanna. Tila, a reality TV monstrosity powered by hot air and comedy breasts, was upset when Rihanna nominated her in an interview as the person she’d most like to “turn off” if she had a remote control powerful enough to do so. Her revenge? Posting on her blog that Chris Brown battered Rihanna because he found out she has an STD.
“I heard from legit sources, that is the HUGE SECRET our prestine [sic], perfect little Princess RiRi, the “IDOL” has been hiding from the media … the reason why Rihanna wasn’t speaking out about the CHRIS BROWN incident is because there was a catch 22 in it. Rihanna has herpes…“
Wow. Not only is Tila recycling an elderly internet rumour here, but she’s also taking a pop at Rihanna’s reticence to blow trumpets about an extremely personal issue, while simultaneously “excusing” Chris Brown’s violent attack on a woman he still claims he loves? That’s classy. That’s so classy I can hardly believe it came from a one-time host of a show called “Pants-Off Dance-Off”, with a sideline in leaking sex tapes no one wants to see. Tila Tequila makes Tiger’s mistresses look like Carmelite nuns pirouetting out of The Julie Andrews Brand Finishing School. Let’s press on, before we all throw up on our keyboards.
Rap superstar 50 Cent has made us all giggle delightfully this week with news that he’d love to organise a duet with Susan Boyle, pictured here keepin’ it real.
“I got to get her on a track, for real. We’d make a hit,” swooned Fiddy, and you know, I’m not surprised. After Eminem swearing allegiance to The X Factor last week, and offering up himself and Dr. Dre as judges, I’ve come to accept that yesterday’s edgy Cop Killers have just as much right as the next Bovril drinker to morph into today’s karaoke cheerleaders. What’s next? Snoop Dogg joining the cast of Mamma Mia!? Who cares! Music hath charms to soothe even the most macho poseur, it seems. My nana would heartily approve.
But then, that there is an oft-misquoted line, you know. The correct phrase is “Music has charms to soothe the savage breast“, something Pamela Anderson took to … well, to heart recently, when she decided to become … a popstar! The legendary glamour girl is set to bestow on us a début called “High”, all about high fashion! Although how anyone is supposed to deduce this from such a vague title is beyond me, as there will be about as much lyrical content in “High” than there will be in a bucket of gravel, according to Pam’s friend and musical collaborator, Richie Rich (not the Macaulay Culkin one). “Pam says she wants to sing, but nothing too difficult,” explains Richie. “So she’s just going to sing the word ‘high’ over and over.” Sounds Barney-licious. Excuse me while I rip my ears clean out of the physical plane in preparation.
I suppose it beats listening to reports on Tiger Wood’s love life, though. But then, so does eating curdled yogurt out of Derek Davis’ socks…
I wonder how much um dates Susan has had since becoming famous, Mr Cents would love to have a hit song as it would give him a break from performing at birthday parties.
Go [insert name here], it’s yo birthday. We gonna party like it’s yo birthday…
We all gotta have a sideline, Knudders.
Marshal and Andre could just shoot the contestants, you know just flesh wounds, with low calibre ( lo cals ) pistols, just to keep things interesting.
Hilarious Post by the way : )
I’ll never look at Derek Davis the same way again. Next thing he’ll be in a sex-tape 3way with Thelma Mansfield and Twink.
Great post yet again though.
More Tiger news. More Tiger news.
Are there any genuinely edgy rock/rap/hip-hop stars anymore? Eminem became a watered down shadow of his former self many years ago. And Snoop – well, he’s just one step away from Panto.
I think that rapping granny from The Wedding Singer is the edgiest star out there these days.
Thanks, people.
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