The Culch
Published on June 6th, 2010 |
by Ronan
Broken Spine #27: The Big Opening
It’s that time of year again folks. No, not the Cat Laughs Comedy Festival in Kilkenny, but something far more hilarious. The winners of the 2010 Lyttle Lytton Contest have been announced.

For those of you who don’t know, the Lyttle Lytton Contest was established in 2001 and celebrates the worst first line of a novel. It’s an offshoot of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. Wheras the Bulwer-Lytton Contest can have entrants of any length (and usually does), the Lyttle Lytton Contest is only open to opening lines of twenty-five words or less.
The 2009 winner of the longer contest was this beauty by David McKenzie:
Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin’ off Nantucket Sound from the nor’ east and the dogs are howlin’ for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the “Ellie May,” a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin’ and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests.
I think the Lyttle Lytton contest works even better because of the brevity of the entries. Thus you can read a dozen awful beginnings in the same space of time. Previous winners and runners-up have included:
Mary (who dies at the end, so don’t get all surprised like the stupid person who wrote me on my other book) loved Joe, a lot. |
Nathan Eady |
If you’re going to start reading my novel, please stop touching yourself like that. |
Nick Montfort |
Bound, blindfolded, and buttered, at last Leopold knew the semblance of peace. |
Ronan Leggatt |
Gordon strove to be a nice pimp. |
Peter Berman |
It was just like Jack The Ripper, only, this time, Jack was a she, and possibly some form of time-traveller. |
Devin O’Reilly |
Michael had always wanted to lactate. |
Jennifer Arnold |
This is the story of your mom’s life. |
Rachel Lambert |
We write the year 2347, a world abound with nuclear alacrity, when suddenly Frank enters with a smile. |
Christos Talanoez |
John, surfing, said to his mother, surfing beside him, “How do you like surfing?” |
Eric Davis |
Pika … chu, thought Pikachu. |
anonymous |
“Ooh la la!” whispered Larry in French. |
Jim Van Donsel |
For the full list of 2010 Winners and Runners-Up, as well as many more gems, check out the Lyttle Lytton Contest’s official website.
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Tags: Books, Broken Spine, Opening Lines
Good post, Ronan, remarkable what gets past an editor and published ?