Oscar Predictions: Best Film

The Oscars: Best Film Prediction*

Each and every year for as long as I can remember, I have sat up to ungodly hours of the morning watching the Oscar ceremony. I can’t explain what this means to a film reviewer, it’s basically like our Christmas. As you are no doubt aware, Christmas gave you that warm, fuzzy feeling for weeks in advance and a lack of sleep, with a minor development of exhaustion, waiting for Santa. However, also like Christmas, you will eventually realise it is a massive fraud where you have been lied to consistently for years in order to keep you blind to the reality that nothing in this world is pure. You will continue to play along because there is always younger people concerned and you are so desperate to hold on to those nostalgic feelings, you will try convince yourself of anything, including a deer with a fucking red nose. Slightly dramatic you may say, but a film reviewer’s attitude to the Oscars will dramatically alter when you realise it’s not the best performance or the best script or the best direction. It is, in fact, who has slept with who, who has paid who and inevitably, how many years have you been labouring away in the nomination playground. Alright Scorsese, you have only produced masterpieces, none that are akin to anything Kevin Costner would direct, but since you’ve been bloody annoying us for so long, we’ll give you a push on the swings. (Goodfellas not winning the Oscar was a defining moment in my relationship with the Academy Awards).

Anyway, with all this in mind, I give you my 2012 Oscar predictions over a series of blogs. Now, I more than realise this is months in advance of the night but this is to prove how predictable the whole fiasco has become in recent years. Will Ryan Gosling get the Oscar? Nope. He will get a nomination but it’s not in their interests to have someone like Gosling swanning around with an Academy Award under his belt, or blood-stained white jacket. He’s far too GOOD for all that.

Best Film

The Tree of Life (arty Malick, check nomination)

The Help (Atonement for a lot of shit things America has been responsible for)

War Horse (It’s Spielberg, he probably rang to say he would win the category)

Moneyball (did you not get that memo 3 years ago? We’re taking Pitt seriously now)

The Ides of March (Other memo, as of 2002, we worship at the altar of Clooney)

The Iron Lady (OH MY GOD, did we not nominate Meryl this year?????)

Hugo Cabret (Dear Mr. Scorsese, we are sorry for our sins)

My Week with Marilyn (We have been really unkind to Michelle Williams…..and Marilyn Monroe)

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Fincher: What the fuck do I have to do to get an Oscar?)

Token Indie Flick that has not got a snowball’s chance in hell of winning this round.

I’ve left out Tinker Tailor (they’ll lap it up in performances), The Artist (is Meryl in it?) The Descendants (sure, we’ll throw George a bone somewhere) Drive, (did he just kick that guy’s head in?????) and Midnight in Paris (who the FUCK does Allen think he is, writing a good film???)

And the Oscar goes to….

Actually a tough call, but one thing is for sure, Fincher could do a strip tease on stage with the words “I LOVE THE ACADEMY” tattooed on his ass and they still wouldn’t give it to him. Maybe, just maybe, they may feel shamed enough to actually hand it over, but I still think this is doubtful.

Clooney’s Ides would be an obvious pick, but there’s nothing the American public hate more than an attack on the Presidency. Clooney’s Ides may be fantastic, but guaranteed it will hit a nerve.

The Help will pull a lot of Oscar nominations on performances and it is the sort of film that the Academy will lap up, but it won’t pick up the Best Picture.

Rule out My Week with Marilyn, Iron Lady, War Horse, Moneyball, Hugo Cabret and the random indie flick lottery. They won’t have the UMPH associated with that Oscar winner. The King’s Speech triumphed last year and although the performances were excellent, as was the script, The Social Network was an infinitely better film, for thousands of reasons…

And that leaves The Tree of Life……. And they do love Malick….

* If you lose a lot of money in Paddy Power because of this article, remember sarcasm has got me this far…..