Sweary’s Jaw

Surreptitiously hacking into Kelsey Grammer’s Facebook account, so you don’t have to. Y’know when a girl says something bitchy about another girl and all the boys go, “Ah, them girls, they’re all so mightily jealous of one another. It is hate upon hate upon lipstick”? Well, generally, the boys are wrong. It’s not that girls are especially bitchy about other girls. It’s that girls are especially bitchy about everyone, but boys tend to be less deserving of that dark attention, because they haven’t been bitchy enough themselves to attract it. So please note that it is through No Fault Of My Own that this Jaw installment is so female-centric; I did not set out to usher in the return of the Jaw on a wave of hormonal hatred and boob envy. It just so happens that female celebrities have been making disproportionate nunkies out of themselves this week. In short, … There’s more

Sweary’s Jaw

Surreptitiously establishing who in Jaysus’s name Carrie Prejean is, so you don’t have to. There’s no particular theme to this week’s Jaw, so fans of order and propriety, log off now. Celebrities are creatures of chaos; they inhabit a world where law and order is but a TV show to be peppered with clumsy cameos. They’re hardly going to co-ordinate their stupidity for the likes of me. Besides, most of them have been horrifically boring this week, or horrific non-entities, making them boring by default (I can’t imagine anyone cares whether or not Jordan’s boobs contract malaria). Now that we’ve all gagged on that mental image, we can press on. The latest name in esteemed idiocy is, of course, Calvin Harris. Calvin, head embellished with a pineapple, stormed the stage during John and Edward’s performance on last week’s X Factor with such panache, such focus, that I didn’t even notice … There’s more

Jennifer’s Body: Not As Hot As It Looks

The Plot: Sold as a fun horror with plenty of sexy humour, Jennifer’s Body is about high school student Jennifer, played by the liptastic Megan Fox the stereo-typical queen of the halls who after an unfortunate series of events is possessed by a hungry boy-eating demon. As Jennifer begins to feed on her classmates her sexually confused best friend Needy, played by Amanda Seyfried (Momma Mia, Veronica Mars) realises what has happened and goes head to head (and tongue to tongue) with Jennifer. The Verdict: Written by Diablo Cody writter of award winning Juno, Jennifer’s Body misses the mark and I found it to be entirely disappointing. It didn’t manage to lure one audible laugh from the audience in the entire 100 minutes. The scares were cheap and far between and the entire movie was devoid of tension or atmosphere. There was great potential to make a dark, gruesome, wickedly … There’s more

Sweary’s Jaw

Surreptitiously checking awfulplasticsurgery.com, so you don’t have to. Well, it’s time once again for that crass, cringeworthy, and most unfortunate facet of pop culture … the McDonalds of the Arts, the Muses’ deformed cousin that they keep in the basement … yup, it’s your weekly gossip binge! Which, let’s admit, you’ll stuff your face with and then feel right dirty afterwards. Yeah. I’m onto you. You can’t judge me. The question on everyone’s lips this week was, Is Megan Fox bonkable, or just bloody bonkers? The chattering Transformers star had been confusing the masses which such gems as, “I’m a transvestite. I’m a man” (perhaps a disciple of the Lady Gaga method – Staying In The Tabloids, One Suspect Bulge At A Time?) Well, wonder about her noggin no longer! Megan’s helpfully diagnosed herself as suffering from “bouts of mild schizophrenia”. Yes, that’s right; schizophrenia can now be treated with … There’s more

Transformers remembered

Would you rather forget all about the disaster that was Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen? Me too. As a new recruit of the Culch team I would like to bring back the happier memories of the first movie. It was a simpler time, a happier time and an easier to follow time. Director – Michael “Blow the world up, watch them burn” Bay Executive Producer – Stephen “The powers of my genius are in my beard” Speilberg Cast – Fuck head Megan Foxy White stereotypical hero soldier Black stereotypical “Say what?” soldier Latin stereotypical says everything in Spanish soldier Ginger soldier, there’s always one Bernie Mac’s ghost Inspector Ned Kenny from “The General” Some hot Australian chick One of Jim Carrey’s black sons from “Me, Myself and Irene”, except he’s lost a lot of weight Original Optimus Prime Jesus from The Big Lebowski Shit load of army dudes Shit load … There’s more

Transformers 2: Fun but Dumb

Pure and simple, Transformers 2 is a CGI/SFX wet dream. I probably exclaimed “Cool!” about 10 times throughout (there’s this one scene with an aircraft carrier that is simply droolworthy!) What can I say, I just love special effects. I also grew up watching cartoons like Transformers and this in itself changes how you relate to it. It appeals to my inner child and the tomboy within. Most of this movie is like watching a fireworks display, you will “Oooh” and “Ahhh” – but don’t forget to switch your brain off and let it be dazzled by the shiny things. I can’t remember the last fireworks display I watched that had a coherent plot line, it is after all a Hollywood blockbuster, and it’s rare that these stimulate anything more than your brain stem. However, special effects and action sequences aren’t this movie’s only strength. The supporting cast brings some … There’s more

Review: Transformers 2

Being a huge fan of the 2007′s Transformers I can honestly say without hesitation that Transformers 2 is the worst movie I have ever seen. It’s two and a half hours of my life I am never going to get back. Now I know that this won’t dissuade ardent fans from going to see the film but don’t say you weren’t warned.

Darren’s Movie News 28/04/09

Oh for Jesus H. Christ’s sake, why why why would they remake Drop Dead Fred? I am not against remakes. Sometimes there are good stories that need reworking, but Drop Dead Fred was a staple of my childhood. Rik Mayall’s anarchic figment was scary, crazy and wonderful. This is like remaking The Princess Bride as far as I’m concerned. Who in their right mind said it would be a good idea to let Russell ‘The Twat’ Brand anywhere near this? Stupidness. Angry now. Adam Sandler’s porno, Born to be a Star, seems to be gaining fast ground. Christina Ricci and Stephen Dorff were already announced as cast members in his comedy about porn movies and now Don Johnson will join the crew as a porno director. Naturally. The Terminator Salvation marketing train is running at full speed. Check out the most recent TV spots. This is gonna be great: Jonah … There’s more

Movie News 24/03/09

Robin Williams is recovering well after heart surgery in Ohio. He’s only 57 – we can’t let him go just yet. Anne Hathaway is set to play Judy Garland both on Broadway and on screen in Get Happy: The Life of Judy Garland. A good fit, I think. Three kids, seven summers and an obsession with Raiders of the Lost Ark – no, this is not the plot of a movie, but how a movie was made. The three friends made a shot by shot remake of the Indiana Jones movie over seven years and grew up in the process. Completed 14 years ago, it has only ever been seen as part of special screenings and charity events but it is due to go on full release this year. Here’s the trailer. Don’t judge it too harshly – it’s an amazing achievement: Another remake, The Taking of Pelham 123, is … There’s more