X Blather, with Ronan and Sweary!

What better way to watch a show as entertaining and giddy and gloriously pointless as The X Factor than with another Culchie just as hopelessly devoted as yourself? Sweary and Ronan thought so. Gasp at their thoughtful analysis! Admire their reasoned debate! Laugh at how hopelessly incorrect their predictions were! Yes, folks, it’s time! For Ronan and Sweary! To face! THE MUSIC!

The X Factor: George Michael Week

As the preamble begins, and the butter melts into the popcorn, our intrepid correspondents swap reflections on the story so far. Well, at least as much of it as they can fit into the time taken up by The X Factor’s mandatory recap of last week’s show.

Sweary: First thing’s first. I love Stacey

Ronan: What is it about her? Her voice?

Sweary: I used to love her voice … she’s starting to bore me a bit now, but she seems like such a nice girl, you can’t help but want the best for her.

Ronan: Yeah, she seems like a genuine person, but if I had to sit in a room with her, I’d probably shoot one of us. I wouldn’t be able to deal with listening to that.

Sweary: But God love her. It’s like feeling sorry for a … three-legged dog or something. Also, GO JEDWARD!

Ronan: Do you think we’d love the twins if it wasn’t for the fact that they’re Irish? Say if they were Geordie twins or Cockney twins. Then would we be really annoyed at them. The inherent racist Irishism in us!

Sweary: I don’t think so. I thought they were utter langers the first time I saw them. They won me over entirely. Great attitude. Not like whingey little Danyl J.

Ronan: Yeah, they did they same to me. I hated them first time around. They were such knobs. I am loving Louis’ dickiebow. George Michael would approve.

Sweary: So, are you a George Michael fan? I have to say I LOVE him

Ronan: I do like his music alright. Not his lifestyle. Although I like his attitude to traffic lights. He has some classics. Thank God the twins are ruining none of them though.

Sweary: “George has just called the show … he thought he was onto Dominos …”

Ronan: Danyl looks like a Dominoes employee actually.

Sweary: So, predictions … who’s going to go?

Ronan: Lloyd and Danyl bottom two. Lloyd to go.

Sweary: Agreed.

Ronan: I’ve been saying Lloyd to go for weeks now. He’s awful.

Sweary: Lloyd is sweet, but out of his depth.

Show begins proper with footage of the contestants’ last visits home. Lloyd is getting hugs from teary Welsh people.

Sweary: Ah, look at him seeing his family! Sure he’s only 12! Or something.

Ronan: He’s pretty, but nothing more. His voice is grand, but nothing special. And he’s so dull. Have you seen him on the Xtra Factor? He gives monosyllabic answers to everything. It’s like he’s on dial-up, he takes so long to get sentences out.

Sweary: Classic. He’s singing Faith, and the way the judges’ preamble went you’d swear it was possible to fuck up that … Oh Jesus, I think he’s fucking it up. He just missed a note.

Ronan: No, I think that was the sound of him hitting a note correctly. The rest were missed.

Sweary: Flatter than his hair.

Ronan: As flat as Cheryl’s chest. Or Dannii’s before her boobjob(s)

Sweary: Cheryl’s a national treasure, you know.

Ronan: That’s cause she’s got vim, vigour, and spunk. She fights, fights, fights, for this love.

Sweary: God, Lloyd is AWFUL tonight.

Ronan: Terrible. If John and Edward go and he stays, it’s a travesty.

Sweary: Indeed. At least Jed know they’re shite.

Ronan: His new hair makes him look prettier though. Yeah, he thinks he’s The Shit. He’s just shit.

The judges praise Lloyd. Louis praises him on everything but his singing.

Ronan: Me too Louis. Everything except the voice. Singing or talking.

Sweary: Agreed with our Louis. Simon has his head up his arse!

Ronan: “Wasn’t Bad” Simon, no, it was awful.

Sweary: Simon is crazy. He needs to stop sitting beside Cheryl, he’s not paying attention at all!

Ronan: He’s not, he was probably trying to cop a feel. Birds have left the nest in Cheryl’s hair.

Sweary: Every week Cheryl goes on about how it’s whoever’s “best performance”. She’s totally spiralling. But I think she’s hit the ceiling with the praise. She can’t think of anything else to say … Her praise peaked too soon!

Ronan: It’s one of the stock phrases. We should do an X Factor drinking game next week. “Your best yet” and you take a drink. “The best of the series” makes you drink it all.

Sweary: Dear God, you’re trying to kill me!

Ronan: If Lloyd gets through I may have to kill whoever has been ringing in for him.

Sweary: Next week: Ronan takes on Wales.

Ronan: What are the chances of deadlock again this week? 5/6 weeks so far.

Sweary: Deadlock? I think it’ll keep going to deadlock. As the series go on, the judges are less likely to offend voting viewers. Plus, more exciting.

Ronan: They can’t be accused of keeping the worst in, then. Like when Simon saved the twins and people were outraged. Why didn’t you vote then, you tits?!

Sweary: So true. I’m so sick of the “Simon is a traitor to his own philosophies” argument. Simon’s only loyalty is to his pocket, for fuck’s sake!

Ronan: Remember the Laura White petition last year? To get her back in? More people signed that than voted for her! Yeah, on Simon: Philosophy 1: Money! Philosophy 2: Grey T-Shirts

Sweary: Philosophy 3: Cheryl . I bet they’re gettin’ it oh-own.

Ronan: Philosophy 4: Trying to keep Sinitta on television … Oh ma gawd, it’s Stacey

Sweary: Innit!

Stacey is singing “I Can’t Make You Love Me”. Her section starts with footage of her visit home to Dagenham.

Ronan: This year’s X Factor winner gets … elocution lessons

Sweary: She’s like a kitten with booties on, leave her alone! She’s a mum, you cad!

Ronan: She should just sing everything. Why didn’t Gareth Gates ever do that? “Hello, my name is Gareth.” in song!

Sweary: Seconded . Anyway, “I Can’t Make You Love Me”. Very safe . Very meh.

Ronan: Bleugh so far anyway.

Sweary: I think she’s wearing a Kandy Rain cast-off.

Ronan: More fabric in her outfit than Kandy Rain’s. Lucie was my favourite lady until she was voted off. But I don’t resent Jedward for it. I love them.

Sweary: I was never a Lucie fan. Thought she was so, so dead-eyed. The personality of a spoon.

Ronan: Stacey, close your legs. The 66 is due in a few minutes.

Sweary: Her legs are like matchsticks. Feed her, Dannii! She’s not famous yet! She’s not great tonight. Wavering. Is it just me?

Ronan: No, I thought she was dull. But anything would’ve been better than Lloyd. Even Louis duetting with Simon.

Sweary: I would pay to see that … I don’t think she “felt” the song. I love the way she keeps grinning inanely, even when Simon criticises. Don’t know if she ever LISTENS.

Ronan: I don’t think her brain processes it. Probably a few minutes later she’ll have realised what he said …”I’m just happy to be here.”

Sweary: Whut is she SAYING?

Ronan: She has the weirdest intonations.

Sweary: Innit! … JEDWARD! JEDWARD!!!!

Irish twins John and Edward are up next. Obviously.

Ronan: John…and…Edward! I didn’t realise the Calvin Harris thing wasn’t part of the act last weekend!

Sweary: I’m John. And I’m Edward. And together we’re … John and Edward!

X Factor has brought the twins home to Lucan to see family and friends. And no, it’s NOT a pity they didn’t leave them there.

Ronan: Like the way the Dad has the arm around the Mam and they’re not together.

Sweary: Diandra is their friend. Diandra!

Ronan: My cousin goes to their school. She says they’re really nice guys. Don’t know if she can tell the difference though.

Sweary: One is slightly less gawky looking

Ronan: Which one though?

Sweary: The … er … left one.

The twins sing/rap/caw their way through Wham’s “I’m Your Man”.

Ronan: They’re my Men … Plenty of people call you bad, lads.

Sweary: Oh my God, they’re so all over the gaff. They have the coordination of a pair of salted slugs.

Ronan: That scaffolding is fairly shaky. Dannii has cut one of the legs to knock them off … Rap time!

Sweary: They jumped off! Who saw that happening?!

Ronan: That rap was terrible … terribly fantastic!

Sweary: Look at Simon! He’s stunned at the shitness!

Ronan: Legendary.

Sweary: Louis dancing away

Ronan: Dannii is enjoying it. Probably faking it after she failed to saw off enough of the scaffolding.

Sweary: I reckon so! She’s just trying to make ground from the absolute bitch she was towards them for the last few weeks.

Ronan: I want that hair. Wonder are many barbers getting asked for the Jedward? Damnit, I’d just look like everyone else if I got the Jedward.

Sweary: Simon Says: “That wasn’t George Michael and Andrew. That was Andrew and Andrew!”

Ronan: Andrew was the real star of Wham!

Sweary: Louis wheels out the old “everywhere I go, people are talking about Jedward!” theory. I swear, I will probably stop watching when they go. Although … not so funny tonight

Ronan: Yeah, I’d say the viewership will cut by half when they go.

Sweary: Not their best. A bit meh too. What did you think?

Ronan: It was amusing, but I didn’t laugh. The rap was nowhere near as good as Ice Ice Baby.

Sweary: Yeah, I didn’t sit up, clapping.

Ronan: Here’s the ego, Danyl.

Sweary: Oh Christ, it’s Dynyl Jynsyn

Ronan: He allegedly demanded his song to be changed during the week. Careless Whisper is a good choice for him though. But he’ll be no George.

Danyl is home as well, in a “little village”, visiting the school he teaches at.

Sweary: He’s highjacked the little village crap Lucie was so fond of. His kids miss him. It’s JUST TOO POIGNANT

Ronan: That pub is so rural looking alright. Just a small town boy living in a lonely world, my ego and me … There’s no sob story (dead brother/wife/dog) this year though, so that’s good.

Sweary: There nearly was, up to bootcamp. Yeah, thank Gawd. Although Stacey IS a single mum done good.

Danyl sings Careless Whisper.

Ronan: Bad so far… Horrible actually

Sweary: He’s suffering from Ronankeatingitis

Ronan: Flatlining. Even the uptempo bit was in the same key.

Sweary: Where’s the sax? The sax is the best bit!

Ronan: Danyl got no sax appeal. Bottom two here he comes.

Sweary: We can only hope. I shall light candles.

Ronan: He didn’t even open his mouth as wide as usual. What’s going on?

Sweary: Maybe he saw Heat magazine’s “How many things can you fit in Danyl’s mouth” section.

The judges evaluate Danyl’s rendition. Dannii is delighted.

Ronan: Perfectly? Dannii, are you deaf? Oh wait, yes you are. I have heard Put a Needle on it. Spot on Louis. Trying too hard. To be nice. Cause you’re an ass. Cheryl - the expert on flat.

Sweary: That’s why we need to listen to her. SHE KNOWS. Simon and Louis fighting again. I’m still bored.

Ronan: Simon is wrong. Which is rare. Worst episode so far. Yes, I said episode. It’s a TV show, so it needs to be entertaining. It hasn’t been.

Sweary: I don’t know what it is about Danyl. Can he sing, or just roar?

Ronan: Don’t think he can sing, that cavernous mouth only allows him to roar. Separated at birth?

Sweary: Olly’s on!

Ronan: Olly is actually the most consistent, in my opinion.

Sweary: I really like Olly. But then, I also love Jamie Oliver.

Ronan: His clothes are shocking, but I want him to win.

Olly visits home too. Everyone is unsurprisingly chuffed to see him.

Sweary: Olly still lives with his parents? Isn’t he a twin? Where’s his brother?

Ronan: Yeah, he is. Not sure whether John or Edward is his twin though.

Sweary: OMG DEY R TRIPLITS

Ronan: No, he’s just related to one of them. Not the other.

Sweary: Fast Love, isn’t it? I hope he does jazz hands … although as it’s Fast Love, it could be jizz hands.

Ronan: He’ll be trying to be sexy doing this.

Sweary: Not great so far.

Ronan: Is everyone on a platform tonight? Maybe Danyl could’ve done with one to hit the high notes.

Sweary: Nice cheerleaders, but this is totally sexless.

Ronan: Androgynous Olly this week.

Sweary: Not his best . In fact, it’s horrible . And I love Olly … “Thank you!” he shouts? No, Olly, thank YOU … Yawn.

Ronan: They’ve all been awful so far. I thought they were meant to get better from week to week?

Sweary: And I bloody hate Joe, so he’ll be awful by default . So creepy. Like an amorous weasel.

Ronan: “Everything about Olly is real”, nothing about Dannii or Danyl are. Must be the name …

Sweary: Sweary: What a crap question from Dermot. “What would it mean to you to get through to the final?” … “Well, personally Dermot, I don’t give a fuck.”

Ronan: Joe looks so smarmy. Is it just Joe left?

Sweary: Yup

Ronan: Oh the horror, the horror! He’s a good singer. But he looks like a future serial killer. He’ll tilt his head just a little as he listens to you thinking about possible ways to kill you and searching for blunt instruments just behind you…

Cheryl introduces little Joe.

Ronan: “My Joe”. Damn you Cheryl. Louis would never stick to his own.

Sweary: Cheryl is nearly as creepy as Joe

Ronan: She’d take you, I’d watch what you’re saying.

Sweary: Joe’s friends are creepy too.

Ronan: “It hit us”, all two of you Joe. You and your split personality. Your darker evil killer side…

Sweary: [According to Cheryl] Joe’s gonna give it his absolute all. Well thank God for that.

Joe sings “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me”.

Ronan: He won’t have anything left for next week if that’s the case. Has he upped the fake tan ante this week?

Sweary: He’s very, very orange today alright. Too much Cheryl/Simon in his life. Still sounds like he’s sitting on a washing machine. At least he’s not flat …

Ronan: Simon: head nod. He’s digging it. Groovy (apologies to our editor Darren, who says groovy).

Ronan: …

Sweary: …

Ronan: He’s good tonight. Damn him! The best so far!

Sweary: Yeah, just what I was thinking!

Ronan: Well, the only one that was actually good at all! We’ve had 5 terrible performances and 1 good one.

Sweary: Why did it have to be Joe?

Ronan: He gave it his all.

Sweary: Ooh, all standing ovations.

Ronan: Damnit, why didn’t one of them stay sitting. That would have been funny.

Sweary: I think Louis nearly did, but chickened out.

Our correspondents most bemused by sudden pangings for creepy Joe, they depart until …

The X Factor: Results Show!

… Which begins with the remaining contestants singing Wham’s “Wake Me Up (Before You Go Go)”

Sweary: God, I’m hungover

Ronan: Probably a good thing, listening to the twins starting off that group song.

Sweary: When you say “the twins”, obviously you mean the studio engineer’s trickery. This group song idea is so, so naff.

Ronan: Think the group song is a miming thing again this week. It’s just a American Idol rip-off to make the show longer, therefore show more ads.

Sweary: The whole “two night” thing is so cynical. [As last night's performances are replayed] God Lloyd is awful … Cheryl is a twit too, hasn’t she got any ears?

Ronan: “Shut up, Louis” … fight back Cheryl!

Sweary: She’s a reet one, she is!

Ronan: Dannii is so short. Surprised she didn’t get some sort of surgery to make her taller.

[John and Edward are shown coming away from the stage after last night's show, possibly on some sort of sugar high. They're singing.]

Sweary: How did Jedward sound in tune on the way FROM the stage?! Nice falsetto there, John/Edward/whichever one of them was singing.

Ronan: Probably the only time they were in tune all series … How many times do they walk down the same corridor?

Sweary: “Didn’t get that, lads, can we walk down again? Take 37!”

Ronan: SuBo time!

First guest star is Susan Boyle. Obviously. She sings Wild Horses.

Ronan: I want her to do the hip shake and say “Piercey baby” in her sleazy voice.

Sweary: Jesus you’d think she was the feckin’ messiah, the way they’re going on!

Ronan: She didn’t even win! Bring back Stavros! She was better on American Idol a few weeks back … at least she’s not miming like Alexandra.

Sweary: She’s not dancing like her either though. Thank God, I suppose.

Ronan: Susan Boyle: The Sex Album

Sweary: What was with the shite song for Alexandra? Sub-Britney crap.

Ronan: Trying to break America no doubt.

Sweary: Did I say “Yawn” already?

Ronan: Susan’s personality is wonderful though. She’s like the cat woman in the Simpsons.

Sweary: “ANOTHER superstar” after the break. Bet Mariah loves to be lumped in the same category as Susan Boyle.

Ronan: SuBo is the bigger star now. Mariah hasn’t been good in years.

Sweary: Mariah feels the way forward for music is through product placement, advertisement, etc. As if she wasn’t annoying enough already.

Ronan: So X Factor Final 12 are #1 this week, you like the song?

Sweary: Absolutely not. Shockingly twee

Ronan: Murdering Michael, that’s what they’re doing.

Sweary: But what can you do, you can’t complain about it because “it’s for charity”

Ronan: You don’t have to like charity singles. They’re always rubbish. Always. Damnit, I forgot to ring in for the twins and now the lines are closed.

Sweary: Well don’t ring now! Your vote won’t be counted, but you may still be charged!

Ronan: Cheryl should be charged with assaulting my ears by saying Lloyd was good … Mariah’s not even there live, filmed it during the week.

Sweary: Ugh, really?

Ronan: Yeah, she had 10 dressing rooms too.

Sweary: To fit her arse in…

Mariah treats us to her latest cover-version, I Want To Know What Love Is.

Ronan: Windows have cracked with that high pitched shite

Sweary: What shoes is she wearing? Is she standing on a box? Isn’t she like 4foot 10?

Ronan: I heard Peter Jackson wanted her for the new Hobbit movie,

Sweary: God, Mariah’s annoyed me now. This doesn’t sit well with the hangover

Ronan: Her shrieking would make anyone’s head sore.

Sweary: Should we mention Dannii’s/Cheryl’s dresses?

Ronan: My opinion counts little on fashion, but my other half, Gill, says Dannii’s is very classy, and because Cheryl is young, she can pull it off … [Time for results!] Tension!

Sweary: Stacey through. No shock. Joe. No shock there either

Ronan: Two of the three finalists right there.

Sweary: Danyl? Ugh!

Ronan: Noooooooooo! Not Danyl!

Sweary: Lloyd and Jed for the singoff I’d say… [Last name called is Lloyd's] WHAT?! WHAT??!

Ronan: Ah bollocks, Lloyd too. Are teenage girls all the voters?

Sweary: Ho noes! Jed gone! And Lloyd through? He was as flat as Dannii’s personality this week

Ronan: I don’t believe it. Or Danyl. They were shocking and are tits. Olly was second favourite with the bookies. Bizarre.

With Olly and John and Edward receiving the least votes, they ready up to sing for their suppers. John and Edward sing first; they’ve chosen No Matter What, by Boyzone.

Ronan: Loving it. John: “we chose Boyzone, we bought all their records.” Bye bye twins.

Sweary: Can you actually tell the diff between John and Edward? I mean, how do you know it was John that said that?

Ronan: No, I guessed. No one was going to correct me if I was wrong, sure. Gill says one of them has a bent ear. Not sure which one though. And the other lad has a scar by his nose.

Sweary: A bent ear? I bet he does, the poor lamb! It’ll be all systems go on the bitchiness with Louis next week, with no acts left.

Ronan: Well at least he won’t be biased. It’ll be good.

Sweary: True. They’ll not let it go to deadlock this week, will they?

Ronan: Nope, they all apart from Louis will vote Olly through. He’s Simon’s act, so Simon isn’t going to send it to deadlock. And Dannii hates the twins. Cheryl is our only hope.

Sweary: I would have said that about Lucie, but I think Simon is way more evil than Cheryl, she won’t have the guts to bring it to deadlock, surely. Especially after the backlash with Lucie. Having said that, deadlock would be the only excitement of the night … Olly and twins are the only reasons I watch X Factor. My interest level plummets no matter what. Speaking of No Matter What, twins not as bad as I thought they’d be! Still bad, just not shocking bad. Aw, bless. God, I’ll miss them

Ronan: See you on kids’ tv though. Replacing the Six reject on the Den maybe. They looked like lost sheep, the poor lambs… They were brutal. They should’ve said we’re doing No Matter What for Stephen. You couldn’t vote against them then.

Sweary: They’re lambs, remember? Not cynical enough for Stephen-hawking.

Ronan: Ah, very clever.

Sweary: *takes a bow*

Olly limbers up for his rendition of Eric Clapton’s Wonderful Tonight.

Sweary: What a boring song choice for Olly.

Ronan: Olly, I hate you a little now, cause you’re putting our two out. He’s a million times better than them, alas. He must be delighted to be up against them. He didn’t even need to try.

Sweary: I bet that’s what Lucie thought. Olly’s way better than Lucie though

Ronan: And it’s much later in the competition.

Sweary: *gets Kleenex ready*

Ronan: Gone. Dannii will never save them.

Dannii asks the audience whether or not the X Factor is a singing show.

Ronan:The X Factor doesn’t say singing in the title, it’s an entertainment show. Deadlock, please!

But a cruel and heedless Dannii chooses to save Olly, and our Great Irish Hope bows out of the competition.

Sweary: Dannii’s such a twonk

Ronan: We’ll miss you lads. The viewership will go down next week. You fools!

Sweary: Standing ovation from Cheryl, fair play

Ronan: They were such asses in the auditions.

Sweary: I completely forgot their answer to the “Where do you see yourselves in five year’s time?” question. “Well, a little older”

Ronan: The older answer was funny, I’ll give Edward that … No, I still don’t know which is which, I’m bluffing.

Sweary: God, I’ll miss them

Ronan: Dannii, they’re probably better singers than you. You horse.

Sweary: Ah come on now. A bucket of water and a spoon makes better music than Dannii.

Ronan: Rolf Harris makes better music than Dannii. And he’s her neighbour. Probably. Isn’t Australia the same size as Cavan?

Ronan: John and Edward are being humble. Fair play lads. Irish heroes!

Sweary: I love them, what attitude. Great young fellas.

Sweary: Olly to win

Ronan: People don’t like him if he’s in the bottom two. Joe is leading the race, with Stacey just behind. By a nose.

Sweary: You leave Stacey’s nose out of this! Jedward’s voters are probably likely to vote now for Stacey or Olly, methinks.

Ronan: Or Lloyd, since they’re probably tweens. God help the world if Lloyd makes the final. He’s just as awful as Eoghan Quigg…

Over to you, dear readers! Agree with the Jed-love? Disgusted by all mean-spirited references to Stacey’s nose? Or can you confirm that Mariah Carey was, indeed, standing on a box? Only your input will keep us going til next week …