Sweary’s Jaw

Surreptitiously stalking Beyonce through Brown Thomas’ knickers department, so you don’t have to.

With the country under water, the public sector workers out sulking in the rain, and Thierry Henry not yet imprisoned, us lot could do with a larf. But what to do? Comedy Clubs serve expensive drinks, and Twink-baiting is far too dangerous. If only there was a ready source of shits and giggles, gratis, of course, as free and easy as Lindsay Lo… wait! That’s it! Celebrities! Collectively, they provide enough sniggers to keep Mr. T. going for a calendar year, they do. Enough with the faffing about! Let this week’s circus begin!

While “normal” teens (ewwww) are frothing at their yellow, crooked gnashers over the Twilight Saga now that New Moon has slithered into the cinema, one could deduce that it’s absolutely refreshing that Ms. Miley Cyrus, a.k.a. Hannah Montana, a.k.a. Billie Ray JR, a.k.a. the young wan who’s far too young for all of this provocative photoshoot business, has stated her dislike of the franchise. Until, of course, you read the reasoning behind her aversion.

“I’ve never seen it and I never will. I don’t believe in it. I don’t like vampires. I don’t like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I’m watching my TV at night. I don’t like it. I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t like the shirts. I don’t like any of it.“

She doesn’t like the shirts, y’all. Christ I don’t even know where to begin with this one. She’s making about as much sense as a haunted lollipop. Perhaps this is how The Kids communicate these days, through hysterical rantings about intrusive wolves and loud, obnoxious denial? These country gals! Why, it’s like something out of Children Of The Corn!

Which brings me neatly to the recent carry-on of Mariah Carey, quality purveyor of corn since 1990. Mariah, who resembles more and more a balloon stuffed with mashed potato, has been in the news again for her ever-more-ridiculous demands and diva-like behaviour. Kate Garraway, presenter of GMTV, revealed that when the singing stooge was recording her interview with Lorraine Kelly, her entourage outnumbered the TV crew, and included two people whose mission was to lower Mariah on to the sofa so that she wouldn’t crush her dress. Seeing as the rest of us simply smooth our garments over our posterior as we sit down, this, surely, is conclusive proof that Carey can’t find her arse with both hands. Garraway also mentioned that Mariah needed an assistant to walk backwards in front of her at all times, in case she fell over. I’m sure I’m not the only mere mortal who finds sobriety a much more cost-effective measure. Amusing (and, yup, annoying) as all of this is, surely it’s obvious now that this kind of thing is totally enhanced and exaggerated to keep Mariah in columns such as this? Hmm. What do you reckon, folks? If we just ignore her, will she give up and go away?

Just like those disturbing rumours about Colin Farrell getting intimate with Janet Jackson. No, you didn’t hallucinate that last line. Apparently the two have been enjoying some “cosy” dates together. Ah, balls to it. I don’t believe it either. Colin Farrell’s a new dad and Janet Jackson is ninty-percent titanum (if I remember that Scream video accurately), plus I can’t imagine her into doing body shots off an Abrakebabra employee’s cankles at four in the morning. Sometimes, when you can’t see the wood for the trees, it’s because the wood was a feckin’ motorway all along. It’s bleedin’ obvious, as Colin himself might say.

Also bleedin’ obvious is that a gaff overlooking a college dorm is a bad gaff indeed, especially if you happen to be an internationally-recognised celebrity. But then, Jude Law has never done the bleedin’ obvious, has he? From being attracted to the inexplicable ego of Sadie The Frost, to taking on Colin Farrell in the Sleaze About Town competition (1st prize, a year’s supply of Pampers), Jude has remained an enigma to his public. Even when he realised he was being leered at by NYU freshmen, he reacted in a most peculiar manner. He fecked some oranges at them.

“There was orange pulp on the glass for a week,” moaned one of his targets, which will come as a surprise to no one who’s ever come into contact with students and their cleaning skillage. I think Jude should do the decent thing and help his student fans restore their windows to their former glory. I hear he’s very good with the domestic help.

And lastly, because a picture is worth however many words, here’s Lady Gaga.

Not content with being merely famous, she has, literally, strived to become part of the furniture. And succeeded.

Shock, awe, and upholstery. It’s like a free masterclass … which is what we wanted all along from this post, non? My work here is done.