X Blather, With Ronan and Sweary!.. part deux.

For those of you who missed the latest X Factor showdown (or for those of you who watched it but are far too dithery to form powerful opinions on it yourself) and could really, really do with something profound to spout at the water-cooler in the office when the leering eyes of your brighter colleagues are upon you … here’s the second installment of Ronan and Sweary’s intelligent, thoughtful and helpfully weekly X Factor debate. Will they come to blows over Stacey? Will Joe prompt in them night-terrors again this week? Is it a bit mean to bring up Cheryl’s conviction for assault after all these years? Why not read on and decide for yourself!

The X Factor: Take That / Elton John Week!

Sweary: I take it we agree it HAS to be Lloyd’s time …

Ronan: It sure does. Simon opened the show saying everyone deserved to be there.Yeah, everyone but Lloyd. Excited for Take That and Elton night? Though neither are performing tomorrow. Bizarre.

Sweary: Elton is so close to George Michael last week.

Ronan: Louis could get out the rulebook if someone was singing ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’.

Sweary: WHAT IS CHERYL WEARING?! She looks like a dangerous corner on a sideboard. Do you have what everyone is singing? Is Olly doing Crocodile Rock?

Ronan: No one is doing it! John and Edward would have done it perfectly. The tracklist is …

Stacey: Something About The Way You Look Tonight/ Rule The World

Joe: Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word/ Could It Be Magic

Lloyd: I’m Still Standing / A Million Love Songs

Danyl :Your Song/ Relight My Fire

Olly: Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting) / Love Ain’t Here Anymore

Sweary: Take that up first. I was never a fan, funnily enough. Despite being 13/14 at the time, I was far too cool for them.

Ronan: I wasn’t a fan either, but their new stuff has won me over. Sadly most of the contestants are taking on the cheesy stuff from the Robbie era. So along with George/Wham-Elton, we’re having Robbie/Take That. Very similar to earlier shows.

Sweary: There was no full Robbie playlist though, right? He was just a mentor, wasn’t he?

Ronan: I think half of them sang his tunes though.

Sweary: Here comes Danyl Wah Wah Johnson… Uptempo for Danyl.

Ronan: His second is downtempo. Simon is mixing it up this week. His mouth should be able for it. I wonder is there much of an echo in there?

Sweary: Cheryl’s not sure if Danyl can dance. I bet he can dance, prannce and shimmy-shake!… Is he even singing in English???!?! “Real-yte my fy-yah”

Ronan: He started in German I think. It’s Achs Factor this week! … Shocking. Uptempo, but awful. Has he robbed Jedward’s scaffolding?

Sweary: Jed are gone, but the scaffolding goes on … *weeps

Ronan: And their backing dancers, in their Goldmember outfits.

Sweary: He’s got rhythm, just … no music.

Ronan: It was a sad week last week. Jedward would’ve been great doing early Take That. Back in their shirts-off sleaze days.

Sweary: DO … WHAT YOU LIKE! … Danyl sounds like an angry tomcat.

Ronan: Dannii’s hair is awful this week. Bet it’ll be totally different tomorrow though.

Sweary: Dannii is awful anyway. I am quite sulky about Dannii.

Ronan: Simon: “Note perfect…Foot perfect”, yeah, two left feet.

Sweary: Foot in mouth? It’d certainly fit. He looks happy though, Danyl. Obviously the dancing suits him.

Ronan: Still an arrogant twat though. (As Lloyd is announced) Lloyd shouldn’t be there.

Sweary: Llo… yawn. No, he really shouldn’t. It’s a real head-scratcher.

Ronan: “The baby of the competition”. A baby would be more entertaining. Crying would be better than Lloyd singing. Maybe that’s what he’s going for. A whingey screech.

Sweary: They say when a baby cries, your blood pressure rises. It certainly rises in me when I hear that gobshite. But bless, he is only a young fella. And there’s the sax I missed from last week!

Ronan: His accent is coming through too much for the song. Eh Million Love Songs later… and here Us am.

Sweary: Look at that smarmy grin, though. Isn’t the song more plaintive than that gurny little face of his? He’s starting to give me the willies more than Joe.

Ronan: He’s freaking me out too. He’s a sleazy old man in a sixteen year old’s body.

Sweary: But … he sounds better than last week, I think?

Ronan: Yeah, he is better, but I don’t think he understood the song at all. He’s still the worst of the bunch.

Sweary: By far. And I haven’t heard the rest of them yet.

Ronan: Open the top button of your shirt son! Stop trying to be Olly. That doesn’t suit anyone.

Sweary: Does it suit Olly?

Ronan: It suits no-one. Maybe vicars.

Sweary: And Victorian governesses… Very patronising from Dannii … “All de gurls like you so dey do”

Ronan: It’s just a different take on Louis’ ‘teens love you’ to the twins… Spot on our Derm - “you must have been one when that song came out!”

Sweary: Jesus, can’t Dermot stop asking people if they like being on XFactor?!

Ronan: It’s like Glenda Gilson on Xpose; she is the worst interviewer I have ever seen. At the premiere of Me & Orson Welles, she asked all the cast had they heard of Orson Welles before the movie? What actor hasn’t!

Sweary: Olly’s on! I had to call my seven-year-old, for some reason she loves him.

Ronan: It’s the grin. It’s infectious.

Sweary: (As Olly’s reaction to being in the Bottom Two last week is played) Danyl doesn’t seem very sympathetic there … did you see him? Olly crying, Danyl’s like, “Yeah. Can someone get me an Evian?”

Ronan: Danyl is an arrogant prick though. Olly is a threat to him, not a friend. They should have a reality TV series showing the contestants in the big house together. Jed would be still in then.

Sweary: Singing to the audience? Ewwww! Yer wan looks disgusted

Ronan: Trying to score some blondie who was moved to “priority seating”. “You have been randomly selected…”

Sweary: I really don’t like this singing to the camera thing with Olly. He seems like the smelly guy at the party who just won’t go away.

Ronan: Simon is distinctly unimpressed. That’s your own act, you tit!

Sweary: The thing is with Olly, his voice is really great, which in a way is starting to make him boring. You expect him to do well, so there’s no potential catastrophe to look forward to.

Ronan: He doesn’t go outside the box ever. Very safe. Week after week.

Sweary: “Every where I go, girls want to marry you!” JESUS, LOUIS. STOP! What does Louis do all week? Wander around the country, taking polls?

Ronan: That’s because Louis tries to cop off with them and they say “Sorry, I’m saving myself for Olly”. And he has the time to conduct polls! He has no acts to mentor anymore…

Sweary: I don’t think Louis likes girls. Ewww, Simon, you sleaze. “The girl you were singing to is very cute!” Cute?… Aren’t Olly’s eyes close together?

Ronan: His forehead is massive.

Sweary: Jooooooooooo is singing next. Wee Jooooooooooo. Joe McLove

Ronan: His accent is terrible. “My Joe”, you homebird, Cheryl! Every week when he’s on, ‘Fight For This Love’ is on in the background.

Sweary: I hope they keep his teeth all knobbly. I bet he’ll have huge straight gnashers before we know it.

Ronan: The week before the final he’ll get the teeth straightened. Now he’s cute homeboy Joe, then he’ll be transformed, Stars in Their Eyes style, into Professional Joe.

Sweary: Can you imagine how sore Cheryl’s eyes must be after all that mascara and eyeliner on, all day/night? No wonder she’s always crying.

Ronan:That’s to hide the black eyes from toilet attendants though.

Sweary: A conviction for assault, so pretty. Don’t forget, the toilet attendant was the one left banjaxed, Cheryl was unscathed

Ronan: The joke still works!

Sweary: I hate that vibrato, but can’t deny Our Joooo can hit those notes.

Ronan: It’s not Magic. It could’ve been, but it’s not, Joe. You’ve been better in past weeks.

Sweary: Boring final note. Totally expected from Joe. Meh

Ronan: Yawntastic.

Sweary: “waaaAAAAH!”… There goes the tilted head thing. He’s like a little religious door-to-door canvasser.

Ronan: He seems to have a bit of stubble this week though.

Sweary: He’s been canvassing for converts very hard?

Ronan: Did you hear the rumour that the winner is to sing either Journey’s ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ or Miley Cyrus’s ‘The Climb’? So they expect Joe or Stacey to win. Poor Olly has no song lined up for him.

Sweary: I didn’t hear that. Both make me puke. Miley fucking Cyrus? Have they run out of classics?

Ronan: Yeah, but that’s her best song by a million miles. It could be good actually. But not with Stacey singing it.

Sweary: Miley makes me die. The only good thing about her was her Family Guy re-imagining.

Ronan: Did you see Miley on Rossy? Worst interviewee ever. What a bitch. “Go see my movie”, “Excuse me, Dame Helen Mirren is actually being interviewed now” … Joe’s jacket is worse than Lloyd’s outfit.

Sweary: I’m nearly sure he’s worn that before. (And as the ads finish up and the Dagenham Diva arrives on stage) Stacey innit! “Uh-huk, I’m just happy to be he-ah!” … (Dannii swears Stacey is godlike in her vocal prowess) Dannii’s mad. Stacey isn’t the best singer left. She’s sweet and has a strong voice, but Joe and Olly are streets ahead.

Ronan: Dannii is a tone-deaf fool at the best of times. Her sister got all the talent. And I hate all of Kylie’s atrocious songs. Her voice. I just can’t handle it. It is so grating I think it may eventually puncture my lungs from having to listen to it.

Sweary: I’d rather hers than a public school, cut-glass accent, to be honest.

Ronan: It’s her persona combined with the voice. Awful. Godawful. Just like her singing, so far. Song is too big for her. She won’t be able to handle it if she wins.

Sweary: I’m liking her. I wish she wouldn’t do that Britney-breath thing every so often. She’s losing it a bit on the lows now. Oh dear

Ronan: She’s lost it throughout I think. The screen behind her looks weird though.

Sweary: It’s funny; I don’t think her voice is that great, but she’s quite personable and I think that’s really … well, deafening everyone to her singing voice.

Ronan: Yeah, she’s like a lost puppy in real life. Her singing is trite though.

Sweary: This song wasn’t just a male vocal, but a vocal by a “Male group” according to Cheryl, therefore really difficult for a girl to sing. Didn’t only Gary Barlow sing that? The rest of the lads just crooned accordingly.

Ronan: Like most other songs. But one of the non-Mark lads wrote and sang some other song on the new album. Amazingly. Stacey needs an interpreter. “Every week it gets funner”

Sweary: “I’m growing, just not taller … every week, it gets funner!” She’s too funny.

Ronan: Funner? You simpleton.

Sweary: Ah, be nice. She’s a poor ould petal, floating on a breeze …

Ronan: Feeling sorry for someone is not a reason to vote for them though. It won’t work for Brian Cowen.

Sweary: I don’t feel sorry for Stacey! Stacey’s just fine. She comes across as a genuinely nice girl. She’s … different.

Ronan: So is Lady Gaga…

Sweary: Lady Gaga is orchestrated to a much more professional extent, though. I think while X Factor will emphasise Stacey’s “d’urrr” characteristics, they can’t just fabricate them. That’s really “her”, if you know what I mean. Who has a clue what Lady Gaga is really like?

Ronan: But while Lady Gaga’s stupid costumes and hoax suicide routines will get the shock factor, could anyone really listen to Stacey for any longer than the fifty seconds Dermot gives her at the end of a song? Imagine a full interview. You’d throw a shoe through your tv set.

Sweary: I don’t know. I mean, when Dermot speaks to her, she’s on a high after her song. I think if she was in an interview scenario, she’d be much more … doable. I guess we shall see!

Ronan: If she wins we definitely will. Sadly, I think Joe has the edge. He deserves it more.

Sweary: Just reminded again of how awful Danyl’s nyow nyow voice is …

Ronan: Olly and Joe are miles above everyone else.

Sweary: Hmm. X Factor should be getting more and more exciting and it isn’t! It’s getting more and more tiresome.

Ronan: There’s even less people talking about it on Twitter. Every week at this time, there would be at least half of the trending topics about it, but not this week.

Sweary: I’m disgusted Lloyd is doing “I’m Still Standing”. Loved that song since I was a wee baba. He’s going to mess it royally.

Ronan: I’m disappointed no-one is doing Crocodile Rock, a great song. But delighted no-one is murdering Bennie and the Jets. But I doubt a lot of the viewers would know that. It’s not a radio tune.

Sweary: Lloyd is scared of heights. No wonder he wasn’t on the scaffolding. OOOH, bitchy from Louis! “He’ll never have to deal with the dizzy heights of stardom!”

Ronan:Yeah, that was a fantastic comment. Louis is a smart fucker. I’d love to interview him.

Sweary: Er … Lloyd appears to be in tails

Ronan: Murdered it.

Sweary: He’s still fucking smiling, the little prick!

Ronan: There’s no going back. Once you’ve killed something, you can’t go back.

Sweary: Oh dear fuck, he doesn’t understand the lyrics at all. And walking around the place does not a stage presence make.

Ronan: I don’t think he understands anything more than “How do you feel to be on the X Factor?” That’s why Derm asks it every week.

Sweary: Makes sense

Ronan: He’s got the left foot right foot thing down.

Sweary: Rachel didn’t. Kept falling over, the poor oaf.

Ronan: The highlight of the series. Never gets old.

Sweary: Cheryl’s disgusted with Louis’ comments. (As Cheryl snipes at Louis about his having no acts left in the competition) I HATE people who won’t look over after they insult someone. Grow a fucking backbone, Cheryl.

Ronan: Louis would have had act left if he didn’t have the worst category by a million miles. Not one of his acts was capable of winning anything. Maybe a raffle at a country fete.

Sweary: (Cheryl complains about Lloyd’s treatment at the hands of the other nasty judges, who she feels criticise him too much). Cheryl is a wanker. Such constructive criticism from the judges, let’s face it. It’s not as if they were calling him a cancer on the face of the earth. Fact remainds, Lloyd had put up with NOTHING in comparison to Jedward.

Ronan: Not a jot. The audience never boo Lloyd. Which they should.

Sweary: Danyl’s up. “Your Song”. Again.

Ronan: It’s a like a wedding. This is THE wedding song. What’s this funky bit at the start? Horrid

Sweary: What a way to start a delicate love song. Squawking like a seagull in a territorial debate. Off. Off. Off. Did I say off?

Ronan: Off!

Sweary: GET HIM OFF! That’s not a reaction to any arrogance, either. He’s just mucking this up. Children have arrived. Ewwwww to everything.

Ronan: Absolutely massacre. May be worse than all Lloyd has done. All. Everything. From the first audition to tonight. Horrible. Should’ve pressed mute for two and a half minutes

Sweary: Cheryl’s giving a standing ovation? What a fucktard!

Ronan: Cheryl is just Simon’s lapdog

Sweary: Simon wishes!

Ronan: Afraid she won’t get her weekly sha- sorry, cheque

Sweary: Danyl sounds like Bobcat Goldthwaite mating.

Ronan: Are they all deaf? Or at this stage is there a ban on negative comments? “Shit, we’re down to the final five, we can only badmouth one act. Otherwise it makes a mockery of the program”.

Sweary: I’m shouting at the fucking telly right now! “Simon, you dick!”

Ronan: Is Danyl horribly ugly or is that just me?

Sweary: He’s not ugly, just mishapen. All the right components, in all the wrong proportions.

Ronan: An arse where his face should be?

Sweary: An arse where a singer should be?

Ronan: A cave where a mouth should be?

Sweary: A cave where a cave-in should be? And I wouldn’t even be one of Danyl’s most committed critics. But I’m so annoyed with the positive praise he got for that mess.

Ronan: Car crash television. At least I would’ve enjoyed the twins killing it

Sweary: Oh, so, so true. You could enjoy the awfulness of the twins, not feel confused about it.

Ronan: It was positive awfulness. A kind of shite you could get behind. Everyone was in on it. But was anyone in on that praise for Danyl? Did they forget to tell the viewers?

Sweary: Simon is a knob. And I usually agree with him, but he’s been so off-the-mark so often this season.

Ronan: Simon just felates his own acts every week.

(Olly’s up. He’s got some very scantily-clad backing dancers)

Sweary: Nice knickers.

Ronan: Is Olly in a faux Japan?

Sweary: I guess that’s a decent substitute for Croc Rock, which I was sure he’d do.

Ronan: He opened his shirt button. Wow!

Sweary: Secksy

Ronan: Lloyd could have done with those girls to distract from his terrible singing. Mud wrestling match would’ve made it a million times better.

Sweary: From complaining about Kandy Rain’s revealing outfit to girls jiggling in their Ann Summers kecks? Whut?

Ronan: It’s Simon’s act, so it’s allowed. Anything Simon does is the best thing ever. Louis isn’t allowed slut up his ladies.

Sweary: I’m going to disregard Dannii’s comments from here on in, she’s a wagon. And Cheryl’s a hypocrite, wasn’t she the one whinging about Kandy Rain in the first place? Now it’s “Ooh, sexy ladies!”

Ronan: I disregard everything Cheryl says, week in week out. Never mind Dannii. I’ve known for ages that Dannii was delusional. Cheryl has lost all appeal she may have had with her complete amusia every week.

Sweary: They’re going to have to wheel out woolly mammoths from here on in just to keep me entertained. It’s a really, really boring final five.

Ronan: Worst X Factor final since… He Who Must Not Be Named?

Sweary: Should you name, so I’m sure you’re on about the same no-name as me?

Ronan: Not sure whether that’s Leon or Steve Brookstein. I think Leon. Steve seemed like a nice guy, who was used by the show.

Sweary: Leon was fucking terrible. What happened there?

Ronan: Leon was shocking. With a dull personality too. Anyway, here’s Joe. Awwwwww, Louis gets to introduce, Noooo, Cheryl stole it. Bitch.

Sweary: Joe sounds like an old woman, I just realised. And he looks like he’s looking straight out of the telly and into my innards.

Ronan: Looks a bit constipated during this song.

Sweary: His voice is grand, but I can’t warm to him. At least he’s not grinning like a lobotomised elf, like Lloyd.

Ronan: Joe is a good singer, and that was good an all, but I didn’t love it. He was better on Rock Week. That was his moment. I think they’ve all peaked.

Sweary: I really don’t like Joe. I don’t want him to win. I mean, that might have been brilliant, but I couldn’t tell. I WAS ASLEEP. Also, I’m going to disregard ALL judges comments from here on in. They’re all gushing knoberoonies.

Ronan: (As Simon voices his stunned amazement at Joe’s spectacular skillz, despite the fact that running pop labels is his job) Simon, your job is to be an arrogant bastard.

Sweary: “The boy’s turned into a man” Bleargh.

Ronan: That’s what the stubble was about.

Sweary: Here, do you reckon you could fit Joe’s teeth in Danyl’s mouth?

Ronan: Danyl could fit the entire United Kingdom in his mouth.

Sweary: With the Isle of Man and all?

Ronan: And the Isle of Wight.

Sweary: D’you know what? Despite what you think yourself, I’m beginning to believe that Stacey is the only entertaining thing left in this competition. Not for the voice, but for the Staceyisms.

Ronan: I think she’s a love her or hate her thing. And I HATE her.

Sweary: Ah, yer mean, yer is. At least she gives us something to talk about with her silly “funner” statements.

Ronan: She’s as awful as an RTE2 comedy. She’s funny, but only in a “did that just happen” kind of way. Not deliberately funny.

Sweary: Simon might be right there. Stacey as a wedding singer.

Ronan: As long as she wasn’t giving the wedding speeches.

Sweary: I’m half expecting her to fall of the piano and end up with the dress over her head.

Ronan: That dress is super long. At first I didn’t see her feet, and thought she had turned into a giant.

Sweary: So she WAS growing taller after all!

Ronan: Put on shoes. Do you not know about verrucas woman? This “no shoes” thing - I hate it. Rank.

Sweary: Bit Diana Vickers. Bit odd.

Ronan: Diana Vickers was batshit crazy too. Stacey is this year’s Diana. The people’s princess… I went there!

Sweary: The song suits her, I think.

Ronan: It suits her if you mean boring performances of Elton’s weaker songs are good…

Sweary: I liked the little hip-pokey thing she just did… I think Stacey might have listened there. She looked hurt when Simon criticised. But wait! Here come more Staceyisms! “What’s a wedding singer. Everyone loves a sheepskin rug! I dunno!”

Ronan: Stacey + Lobotomy = WIN!

Sweary: I dunno, fella! You’re in the minority with the Stacey hatsey!

(And on that note, our disagreeing scribblers depart until …)

The X Factor Results Show!

(… which is exactly what they did last week, but these 24-hour transitions are hard to get into print, y’know?)

Sweary: Things won’t move so quickly tonight. Rihanna and Alicia Keyes, mini performances to drag out proceedings, wah wah wah. But hark at the judges comments from last night! Simon “isn’t feeling quite so confident” now. You’d swear his pocket only benefits when his own act wins!

Ronan: Was Derm on fire there? Looked smoky!

Sweary: I don’t get the “Dermot is hawt” thing. He’s as plain as a teacloth. Oh, and you were right about Dannii’s hair. What the fuck is going on with her head tonight?

Ronan: I think her hair is the antithesis of style.

Sweary: (As the five remaining contestants arrive on stage to sing Scissor Sisters classic, I Don’t Feel Like Dancing) I love this song, but I can see them fucking it up horribly. Ooh, just like Olly did just there. Danyl’s falsetto is hilarious!

Ronan: Oh Jesus, campest thing ever.

Sweary: Are they … SKIPPING on stage? LOL

Ronan: It’s all been auto-tuned. Horribly.

Sweary: Olly got the words wrong. And is that Derren Brown in the front?

Ronan: Not even he could magic that into anything good.

Sweary: Balloons occured. I think that said it all. I’m too bored with Danyl to comment on his backstage analysis. And I can’t understand what Lloyd is even saying. (The show is focusing on backstage analysis, if you haven’t yet deduced same).

Ronan: Can anyone?

Sweary: Can I move that none of them win?

Ronan: Then the viewers would be the winners.

Sweary: Joe throws in a long, high note into every bloody song, whether or not it fits or not. He’d do it to Silent Night, for Christ’s sake. Sleep in heavenly PEEEEEEEEAAAAAWWWWWWCE!

Ronan: eh-hee!

Sweary: Shamoaoan!

Ronan: Sick of Lloyd getting stick, Cheryl? Well it won’t happen next week when he’s not there.

Sweary: Dannii says Stacey sounds like a star. Comments?

Ronan: A black hole more like. 2 weeks to the final. What are we going to watch when it’s over?

Sweary: I’m going to write a novel!

Ronan: On trying to make it in reality TV? Alicia’s outfit is horrid. They must have had leftover PVC from the twins.

Sweary: Alicia’s a natural, never mind her fabric!

Ronan: Alicia is no good without Jay-Z.

Sweary: Sure, that’s Beyonce you’re thinking of! I think it’s kind of odd that X Factor feature, during their Sunday show, someone who sings/writes her own material and plays an instrument. It’s a bit of a comedown then, watching the karaoke.

Ronan: Lloyd will be on the spoons next week, and Danyl playing the juice harp.

Sweary: No, I think Danyl will be blowing his own trumpet. Look, Simon’s making faces at Dermot’s joke. HE IS NOT IMPRESSED

Ronan: I love Simon’s arrogance. Hating Cheryl’s wimpiness, though.

Sweary: Cheryl is cowardly. She’ll have a pop, then refuse to back it up, sitting there all pursed lips.

Ronan: (Rihanna has popped by to sing new single Russian Roulette) Rihanna stole my garden furniture. Dannii stole her hair

Sweary: That wagon. That’ll learn you for not taking the garden chairs in in the winter time… Hold on. You have armchairs in your back garden?

Ronan: Nope. But my furniture does look really ornamental.

Sweary: ur liek all posh.

Ronan: I … actually have no garden. I live in an apartment. Isn’t Rihanna’s song terrible? Alicia was better.

Sweary: Rihanna is pointless now that we have Gaga. And she fecked her album’s name from QOTSA. The horrid little thief!

Ronan: She wouldn’t know rock if it was thrown at her. Anyway, moment of truth time. Please go Lloyd or Danyl.

Sweary: “Getting through to the semi-final means EVERYTHING to …” yawn. Go ‘way, does it?

Ronan: Anyone could go with no judges though.

Sweary: I have a bad feeling it could be Olly.

Ronan: Hope not, he’d be the best winner. His album would be the only worth listening to.

Sweary: Y’know, weirdly, I don’t think I’d buy any of their albums. Makes you wonder why I’m doing this blog!

Ronan: Me neither. I’d listen once maybe. At most.

Sweary: Here we go!.. Where’s Louis? Does he have to stand out the back, in shame and tatters?

Ronan: Still in his seat.

Sweary: Stacey through! In your face, Ro!

Ronan: Joe, too. Two favourites so far.

Sweary: (As Danyl’s name is called out) Oh noooooo!!!!

Ronan: Boooooo! Danyl, you fonk!

Sweary: Who the HELL is voting for that plike? Does he teach that many children?… (It’s down to Lloyd or Olly … and Olly’s name is the last one called. The relief is overwhelming for some reason) YEEAAAAAH!!!!!

Ronan: Woohoo!

Sweary: Bye bye to the tuneless Ken doll.

Ronan: Louis is delira. Dead right, public! Get rid of Danyl next week!

Sweary: Lloyd doesn’t look too upset. Fair play, he’s holding up well. Maybe he’s too dense to notice? (Dermot asks Lloyd what the highlights of the whole experience were. Lloyd is stumped)Yeah, no highlights, apart from in his hair.

Ronan: He has no highlights? What a dolt!

Sweary: He’s going to sing again. Luckily, he’s not crushed. Put Rachel in that position, after being voted out! Imagine the bawling!

Ronan: Oh no, we have to suffer more of him.

Sweary: Hopefully Danyl goes next week.

Ronan: I was hoping Stacey would go, just to see the clip of Rachel falling again.

Sweary: Jaysus, now that Louis has proved her wrong, Cheryl has a face on her that would stop a clock.

Ronan: John Joe from the Toy Show would get it going again…

Sweary: Oh God, they’re all on stage again. CHEEESE!

Ronan: As long as I never have to see that group song again, they can all stay on stage.

Sweary: Only if the stage is drawn by horses and leaves shortly.

Ronan: Janet next week

Sweary: And Lady Gaga.

Ronan: What’s Janet releasing? A Michael cash in?

Sweary: Colin Farrell from her evil clutches?

Ronan: Why Colin? Why?

Sweary: Gaga will hopefully come out with a few of her daft philosophies…

Ronan: You mean Stacey’s philosophies?

Sweary: LEAVE STACEY ALONE YOU!

Aaaaand it’s over to you! Agree with Ronan that Stacey is a hopeless pleb? Angry that Danyl got such a third-party bollocking? All input is gratefully accepted and filed away, so don’t by shy!