Jesus and the Mormons

Thanks to 2fm and Rick O’Shea’s Beard, myself and The Jelly Monster went to see Outlander in Dundrum this morning.

We thought is was going to be a nice morning out. Free movie, free popcorn and beverages. Alas all the free stuff in the world couldn’t make up for the utter shite we had to sit through for over 2 hours.

Aside from it being overly long it was just bonkers and I find it hard to believe that it was greenlit for production by a sober member of Miramax.

Behold, the review of Outlander by The Jelly Monster and Maxi Cane.

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WARNING SPOILER ALERT (Not that it’ll matter)

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Ok, Jelly for those people who know nothing about it, who was in the film?

Jesus.

The real Jesus?

No, Mel Gibson’s Jesus.

Ah, Jim Caviezel.

Yeah, that’s the dude.

What’s the brief outline of the story?

Jesus flies down to Earth in his spaceship and he lands in Normandy, or somewhere -

Normandy? France?

No, that Normanish place.

Norway?

Yup, where the Norman’s come from.

Who?

The Norman’s, duh.

Right. Then what happens?

Okay, he gets out of his spaceship and he learns their language through his eyeball -

Their language?

Yeah, Normanish.

Right.

Yeah, but it sounds just like English if you ask me.

Ok, what then?

Then Jesus goes looking around because he doesn’t know where he is, but just as he’s getting to the bottom of it, the Normans kidnap him.

Why?

Because he’s strange and stuff.

Right, then what?

Then he meets and Wilfred who doesn’t like him, but it’s ok because Freda comes to wash him.

Wait, hang on. Who are Wilfred and Freda?

The guy with the long hair and the hot red head.

Ah yes, the hot red head. She kind of looks like Rachel Weiss, but with a bit more meat on her bones.

Yea, that’s the one.

What then?

So then the Bird from the Field is the King of the Normans.

WTF?

That guy who was in the Field with The Bull who played the Bird, he was the king of the Normans.

John Hurt?

Why what happened?

No, John Hurt, that’s his name.

Oh, right, the Bird.

Ok, carry on.

And then E.T.’s phinger finger comes along and puts the smack down on the village.

E.T.’s finger?

Well it looked like it, but we’ll get back to that later.

Ok, right back up a minute, it’s sounding a bit messy.

Ok well what happened was that Jesus was on this planet with these monster things, I think they were called..um.. Mormons? But he thought he had killed them all so he left his wife and son there to fly away and go to the shop or something, but he didn’t know that one of the Mormons had climbed on board his ship -

What was the ship called?

The Enterprise?

No, that’s Star Trek.

Oh right, Jesus’ Enterprise?

No, that wasn’t it.

Right anyway, so Jesus’s Enterprise was invaded by a Mormon and that’s when he crash landed in Normandy, learned Normanish through his eyeball and was kidnapped by the Normans and brought to the Bird and accused of destroying the village even though it was those pesky Mormons.

Right.

Yeah, then Jesus tries to get out of it by saying he was there to chase Dragons, but they don’t believe him so they beat the shite out of him.

Sounds like a pickle.

Yeah, but thats when Freda comes to wash him.

Durrty.

Yeah, and then he hits her a slap.

For what?

Dunno, and it wasn’t even the kinky kind.

Then what?

Then the shit hits the fan, one of the Mormons turns up and starts eating people and whipping people with their testicles -

Testicles?

Yeah, you know like an Octopus?

Tentacles.

That’s what I said, so that’s all going on and there’s a huge panic, but Jesus can’t help because they had foresaken him in the tent. But when it’s all over, Jesus gets all serious and is all like “They’ll be back and you’ll all die” and the Norman’s are all like “Pffft, whatever beeyotch”

And then?

Then the Bird has a talk with Wilfred because Wilfred wants to be like king of the Normans one day and they have this really significant talk about responsibility and they talk about a dragon necklace. Like whoever wears it becomes King of the Normans, then the Bird tells Wilfred that his da was a fool and Wilfred is all pissed off and stuff.

So what did Jesus do then?

Well he had to come clean and say that the dragons he was chasing are actually the Mormons that he had accidentally brought with him, and this pisses off the Normans.

Is the story getting anywhere at this point?

I can’t really remember, but Hellboy turned up in the middle.

Hellboy?

It looked really like Hellboy, in a big grey beard and that red muck washed off his face.

Ok, so who is Hellboy in it?

He’s the leader of the tribe that doesn’t like the Normans, but even though they hate each other they have to work together with Jesus to beat the Mormons.

What happens then?

Well, lots of people die and the monsters light up in different colours while they eat people and one of the Mormons eats a priest and everyone in the cinema laughed at that. Then they try to trap a Mormon, but he’s not having any of it because it’s an ambush for the second Mormon to come around the rear and peekaboo on their asses.

There’s more than one Mormon?

Yeah, it’s like they made it up as they went along.

That’s not good.

No, but then they climb down a well and follow the Mormons to where they’re eating all the Normans that thay’ve taken and then Freda is buried in dead bodies, but she escapes.

That’s good.

Yeah, but then the Mormons get pissed off and try to eat Freda and Jesus tries to save her but she kicks the Mormon’s ass and they nearly get to live happily ever after, but not quite.

Not quite? What happened?

I don’t know I stopped paying attention at this point and started counting the number of empty seats left behind by the people who had walked out.

How many was there?

A lot, I was still counting when the credits rolled.

So you didn’t see the end?

Well, Jesus had phoned home and his peeps were on their way to pick him up, but he decided to stay on Earth and give Freda a healthy portion.

What about Wilfred?

Wilfred was torn a new one by the last Mormon.

That’s sad.

Yeah, but then Jesus was King of the Normons forever. The End.

That sounded a bit shit really.

Wasn’t too bad, Jesus was kinda hot.

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And no matter how confusing or hard to follow that all was, it was still easier on the brain than the actual film.

Stay away from this, at all costs.

An all round mark of 3/10, just because it was free!