The monkeys have landed in Elstree

Last night saw the return of unrealistic reality freak show Big Brother. A sombre Davina McCall appeared on the screen in breaking news style fashion, delivering her grim message across the airwaves: the circus is once again back in town. Now in its tenth season, the fact that Channel 4 continues to churn out the same old tosh year in year out is nothing short of baffling. But churn they do, and tosh is still very much the order of the day. So, once again, the crowds gathered at Elstree studios, and we were introduced to the new batch of performing monkeys.

Perhaps it wouldn’t be fair to cast assumptions on the Big Brother sixteen so early in the series. But lets not dwell on what’s fair. As usual it’s a mixed bunch, and as usual most of them can fit into one of four categories: thick, tits, likeable and just plain weird. I should add that most who fit into the tits category usually tick the thick box too.

The monkeys were launched into the madhouse in the following order:

Freddie - Posh boy.

Lisa - Claims to have converted girls to lesbianism, making herself sound not unlike a sexual deviant in the process.

Sophie - 20 year old model. In her VT, Sophie said, “I’ve got like loads of interests and facts about me…..I can hold a beer bottle between my boobs.” In five years time Sophie would like to be living in the English White House as the President of England.

Kris - Total prick who would like to appear topless in an STD advert.

Noirin - An Irish girl who always tries to go by the commandments; she also has been known to be an exhibitionist. Noirin’s philosophy is “If I don’t love myself, who will?” Nobody Noirin, the answer is nobody.

Cairon - 18 year old student who hates backstabbing and two faced people. Best of luck with that, Cairon.

Angel - Russian female boxer who has come to spread the word of fitness. That’s right.

Karly - Dropped out of uni after three weeks because it was full of weirdoes. Karly is currently unemployed.

Marcus - Once set fire to his own face.

Beinazir - Pakistani Muslim who thinks she looks like a bit of a slag.

Sophia - Annoyingly, Sophia’s VT contained nothing irritating or ridiculous. She is a banker though.

Rodrigo - He seems amiable enough. Though I’m hoping he’s actually just very smart and Machiavellian.

Charlie - When Charlie reaches fifty, he would consider getting “a full face transplant off somebody.”

Saffia - Bitch. Her words, not mine.

Sree - 25 year old Student Union President. I don’t know if Sree will last too long. He thinks England is the safest place in the world.

Siavash - Sayid from Lost.

So there you have it. They are your new housemates. Except, NO THEY’RE NOT! As always, Big Brother has thrown an ingenious twist into the mix! In a spectacularly tedious attempt to seize viewers’ attention from the off, the producers have decided that none of the sixteen are actual housemates at all, and in order to gain housemate status, they will all be set a series of challenges. Last night’s first challenge saw Irish girl Noirin shaving off her eyebrows. Presumably future challenges will involve a budding housemate being flown off to a Cuban prison. They’d go too.

William Hill is giving early odds on the outright winner, with Rodrigo as favourite at 4/1. Saffia is holding up the rear at 33/1. I’m hedging my bets between Cairon and Sophia, though at this early stage it’s anyone’s guess who will emerge the least assholish of them all. Only time, alcohol, nudity and basic shopping budgets will tell.