Sweary’s Jaw

Surreptitiously hiding in a tree outside Davina McCall’s gaff, so you don’t have to.

Drunk-dialled recently? Surprised by an inclusion to lamebook.com? Mistaken a real guard for the stripping kind? Don’t worry, mortals, for it be the season for making a complete ass out of yourself in celebrity land as well, and you’re not the only one curled up in a ball of shame this week, howling “Let me die!” to any masochist left in your company.

By now, the world and his donkey is aware of Kanye West’s bizarre interruption of Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech at the VMAs, but surely the world and his donkey already had some sort of notion that Mr. West is as bonkers as the average X-Factor wannabe lost, in a hall of mirrors? Check out the “new” King of Pop’s hair, for Jaysus’ sake. Any man who shaves the design of Saved By The Bell’s opening credits into his head is bound to be a few spuds short of a dauphinoise, non? Celebs like Pink, Kelly Clarkson, and … er … Barack Obama have all been quick to call Kanye a spanner, but I think it needs saying that I thought Kanye was a twat long before it became socially acceptable. If that doesn’t make me ridiculously cool, I don’t know what will.In related, but much more dignified news, how gracious was Beyonce when, on coming on stage to accept her own award for Video Of The Year, she invited Taylor Swift up to continue her speech? I’ve never been a fan of Beyonce’s (everything about the woman seems sandblasted), but even a black-hearted crone like myself has to admit that she was one class lass.

Somewhat less classy was notorious celebrity basket case Lady Gaga, who was so upset by her wardrobe’s distinct lack of pants, she feigned stabbing herself in a bid to draw attention to her plight. At least, that’s how I interpreted it. It could be that she’d had an accident with all the single-serving packets of ketchup she’d stolen and stashed down her knickers at the pre-awards nosh-up; I don’t like to say I’m an expert in these things. In a way, I do feel sorry for the poor lamb; to have put that much effort into a car-azy, carefully-controversial dance routine, only to be beaten in the loopy stakes by a feckin’ bloke must be a right slap in the jowls.

Also making an utter knob of themselves at an awards bash in the last week was Kate Moss, who stormed out of the GQ awards after James Nesbitt implied that he’d given her one (and he didn’t mean an award). While that may seem understandable - Nesbitt would have several cracked ribs if he implied that he’d been allowed anywhere next or near me, the oul’ hoor - Kate’s managing to make Lily Allen look like a chic chick in comparison is unforgivably disturbing. The model also managed to annoy a gloriously sarky Dizzee Rascal when she interrupted his giving an interview … because she had to find her lipstick. You’d really think that as a living fashion legend, Kate could afford to sacrifice a bloody lipstick for what’s left of her pride. Unless “lipstick” is special code word for … No, I had better not. Let’s just say I believe it’s possible she confused painting her lips with powdering her nose.

Joining the illustrious line-up of celebs not having a good week is everyone’s favourite diarrhoea-gob, Megan Fox. Crew members from the Transformers franchise posted an open letter on michaelbay.com, basically complaining that far from being the delightful kook she presents to the media, Megan is a dour wagon. Say it ain’t so! Although Michael Bay since took the letter down and claimed not to condone its content, choice descriptions like “dumb-as-a-rock Megan Fox” and “thankless, classless, graceless … unfriendly bitch” have forever been burned into my brain. As has the thought of the “paragraph” tattooed on her arse. I’ve no idea what it says, but I doubt it could be half as entertaining as anything the Transformers crew could come up with.

And lastly, just to show Kanye, Gaga, Kate and Megan how to really be as daft as a basket of fleas, Courtney Love has been shooting her mouth off, via Twitter, on how Activision “raped” Kurt Cobain’s memory when they added a fully playable Kurt character to Guitar Hero 5. “not in twenty JILLION years would I EVER have allowed this”, she howled, only for Activision to quickly inform the saner members of the human race that not only had they secured a written agreement to use Kurt’s image from the Cobain estate, but … well, Courtney Love signed it. It’s difficult to imagine how legendary hedonist Courtney could have forgotten agreeing to something as harmlessly lucrative as this. Unless … oh my God, unless there’s two of them?! An evil twin sister, perhaps?

Perhaps something Megan Fox might consider inventing when next she’s fighting rumours of uncalled-for diva-like swaggering?