Guest Post: A Letter to Santa

Today, we have a guest post from Dave Minogue who wants to share his letter to Santa with all the Culchies.
- Darren

Dear Santa,

Hey it’s me, DAVE MINOGUE!!!!

How’ve you been bud?!

I tried adding you on Facebook but i dont think you added me back. Maybe you dont use it that often. But we’re still cool, right? I didnt exactly get what i wanted for Christmas last year and to be fair i was a little bitter about it.

I’m totes over it now though.

Sorry i haven’t wrote to you all year and i dont blame you for thinking that i only ever write when i want something…it’s not true. Not even nearly.
I’m just always really busy from January to November.

Look, i need a favour. I’ve tried asking God, but as an agnostic and a general ass hole, i dont think he takes me too seriously. Besides the favour is not really for me, i think everyone would benefit from this…

I need a Hover board.

I know what your gonna say:

‘Dave, your very clearly on the naughty list.’

Well just hold on and hear me out, dickhead. I can explain everything.

I’m sure once put into context, each of my wrong doings/crimes, your opinion of me will change and you will begin to perceive me in the same light i do.

Ok, firsty- all the lies. Well i only ever lied to save my own back, get things to go my way, to make me seem like a better person or to get stuff i wouldnt ordinarily deserve- so technically i dont think i should be held responsible for those things as lying is a survival technique.
( By the way; If you see the Make a Wish Foundation could you thank them for the yacht? Also, could you tell them i’m dead?)

The theft. This is kinda awkward. I was at that house party and i didnt like the way the host’s friend talked about women… So, yes; i did take the potted trees, mirrors, chair, food and possibly a remote (?).

But, Santa, the guy was a chauvinist… i’m a modern man, am i just supposed to lie down and accept this behavior? No is the answer. That’s what the Jews did when Hitler was being a Chauvinist and look what happened them.

Yes, i have urinated in or on a few things that i really had no right to urinate on. It’s not a big deal for me so i’d appreciate it if you wouldnt make a deal out of it. Thanks.

All the other bad stuff i’ve done shouldnt count because i dont remember them aka they never happened.

So, i’m sure you agree; I’m a great person and deserve a hover board.

If you could drop it over to mine that would be swell

Also, if it’s not too much trouble could you bring it earlier? Like the next few days…there’s no real reason, i just dont want to have to wait till X-mas day.

Anyway i got to go because X-Factor is on. Do you know Jedward?

Seasons wishes,
Dave Minogue.

Ps- I’ve grown a beard too.