X Blather, With Ronan and Sweary … THE FINAL!

… and you’ve got to say THE FINAL like X Factor’s continuity announcer bloke, or it’s just not funny.

Yes, with the final all finalised, it’s time for Ronan and Sweary to look back fondly on what was a stellar astounding ‘nother year. But how was it for you, readers? Let’s divide it into bite-sized chunks so as to make it easy for you to organise your opinions! Y’know what? It’s time … for us ALL … TO FACE … THE MUSIC!

Best Contestant!

Ronan: Favourite contestant is really a no-contest when you think about it. It has to be Jedward. Who else could have given us those cheesy routines, the worst ever Queen cover, which was in no part a Queen cover, and the “Edward before you go, there’s something I want you to have” line …

Sweary: “Oh, it’s beautiful!” In other words, totally agree. They made this year’s X Factor; they were the talking point and the bone of contention and the comic relief and … Oh, they were just wonderful. They lifted the show. So we’re agreed! Congratulations John and Edward.

Worst Contestant!

Ronan: My worst, not sure whether it was Lloyd or Rachel. He stayed around longer than any bad smell, and had a voice that sounded like bad farts, but Rachel… she was truly horrendous. An awful singer and performer. Her hair outdid Dannii’s for ridiculous. Those shaved poodles at Cruft’s look better. Sound better too.

Sweary: Definitely Kandy Rain for me. They couldn’t sing a note. Now, I know that sounds daft seeing as I just “awarded” John and Edward the best contestant gong, but Kandy Rain weren’t entertainingly daft. They were simply awful. One of them didn’t even open her mouth unless it was to complain about how the public didn’t give them a chance. Horrendous.

Ronan: But they did give Nuts Magazine a whole bunch of new cover girls! [Ronan's helpful better-half] Gill just reminded me of the awful Rikki Loney. God there was so many terrible contestants this year. How did any of them make the finals?

Sweary: What I didn’t like about Rachel was the puss on her every time she was in the final two. She had the grace of a three-legged chair. But I don’t think she had a bad voice … We’ll just have to split this award three ways, I think.

Ronan: No, I’ll over-rule, Simon style. Kandy Rain were the worst act. Terrible singers and not even that attractive when it came down to it.

Sweary: My favourite judge was … Louis, for being silly and entertaining, for his ridiculous rulebook for which he had no sense of accompanying irony, and for his outburst at Dermot O’Leary. “I’m a judge, Dermot. You’re not a judge!“

Ronan: I’d be tempted to go with Simon for Best Judge this year. His caustic remarks and ridiculous similies are always entertaining: “like eating a sandwich underwater”. What does that even mean? Louis’ rulebook does edge it though. Genius. And he got even bitchier after all his acts were gone.

Ronan: Worst judge is definitely Dannii, but she definitely must have felt at home when Janet Jackson was on. Older better sibling? Check. Has-been? Check. Terrible solo career? Check. Thanks for… nothing, Dannii.

Sweary: I really, really hope Simon shunts her off for Eminem next year. What are the odds, though?!

Ronan: Not a hope, but I hardly think Mel B would be better, as the Mirror printed yesterday.

Ronan: For me, Oops I Did It Again was the best. It confirmed Jedward as the most entertaining act in the competition. Before that we hated them, and cringed when anyone talked about the arrogant twits. But after that, we learned to love them.

Sweary: Ricki/Rikki/Ricky did an awful version of Amy Winehouse’s “Back To Black”, smiling all the way through like a Barney Show graduate.

Ronan: Lloyd’s Fly Me to the Moon in Big Band Week. It was meant to be about the likes of Martin and Sinatra, and that tool does a backflip midway. Why?

Ronan: The best guest for me was SuBo. She showed why shows like this are actually worthwhile., people like this would ave never made it if it wasn’t for this kind of programme. She doesn’t look like a star, but she’s amazing.

Ronan: Queen. It’s shameful that a band that were once great want to cash in at every opportunity. Give up lads, Freddie’s long gone.

Sweary: Awww, you’re mean to Queen. They’re international institutions!

Ronan: Were. When Freddie was alive.

Ronan: The same for me, I actually liked her and thought she could go all the way. How wrong I was.

Sweary: There was something very simper-y about her. Dead eyes and a gormless grin. Although I do realise that I’m on my own on that one!

Sweary: Yeah. I kind of lost interest after that, for ages and ages. Depression stations. I think I’m out of it now, though.

Ronan: But is it not too late now that it’s over? The Late Late Toy Show perked me up. Showed me that Jedward won’t be gone for long.

Ronan: Stacey McLean. She was in S Club Juniors back in the day. Good singer, but you knew from the start that she wouldn’t get through. She was only shown in short clips. The finalists always get a lot of audition screen time. She made it to Judges’ Houses, but no further.

Sweary: I liked Daniel Pearce, the guy who was in One True Voice, or whatever they were called. Seemed like a lovely bloke. I also liked Nicole; she definitely had a powerhouse voice, but Simon’s decision was right, I suppose. She wasn’t versatile enough. Then again, neither were Kandy Rain, Rikki or feckin’ Lloyd!

Ronan: I don’t think Louis had much of a choice, all his acts were shocking. Miss Frank were so-so. but the six at judges’ houses were shocking.

Ronan: Rock Week was shocking. I don’t think any of those songs actually qualified as rock songs. Terrible. All pop-rock, no Zep or hard rock. Middle of the road stuff. Big Band week is fairly boring alright. The viewers will never actually buy big band albums, so why bother?

Sweary: Agreed on Rock Week. I’ve seen gravel that was more rock than that drivel.

Ronan: Gaffe of the year had to be Dannii’s comment on Danyl changing the lyrics in week 1.

Sweary: I think if we’re going for gaffes or messes, Danyl’s horrible rendition of I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing needs a mention. Just awful. Forgot the words, mumbled … Jesus.

Ronan: And he stayed in? What were people thinking!

Contestant by Contestant … Yay! Or Nay

Kandy Rain!

Ronan: Nay, all four of them.

Sweary: We’ve already leaned most obviously towards Nay. Nothing more to add my end!

Rikki Loney!

Ronan: Nay. He was a tuneless dolt. And that eyebrow!

Sweary: No nay NEVER.

Rachel Adedeji!

Sweary: Didn’t she already get her nays?

Miss Frank!

Ronan: Yay, actually. Just the rapper one. The other two were crap.

Sweary: Yay from me. I liked all three of them, although “the rapper one”, Graziella, seemed that bit more arrogant. And she rapped too much. sometimes no rapping is necessary, Graziella! My better half quite fancied her. Yeah. I know.

Lucie Jones!

Ronan: She had a great voice, but I wasn’t sad when Jedward stayed in instead of her.

Sweary: Nay, because of wot I said earlier.

John and Edward!

Ronan: Two big yays!

Jamie “Afro” Archer!

Ronan: I kind of liked him early one but he’s so dirty looking. Well just his hair really. Nay. I actually hated his audition with Simon singing along. It looked set-up.

Sweary: Also, the way he said, “YOUR sex is on fire!” made it sound like he was complaining about herpes. Seriously unsexy bloke. I think all he could do was shout while bent over like he had stomach cramps. Nay from me.

Ronan: The scarf thing was stupid too.

Danyl Johnson!

Sweary: He has to get a nay. I don’t hate the guy, and I’m sure he was alright underneath it all. But he sounded like a cat trying to get off with a moose.

Ronan: Nay. He seemed so arrogant, and was such a sulk.

Sweary: He sulked as much as Rachel. That’s a whole festival of sulking!

Ronan: The Sulk Factor.

Lloyd Daniels!

Ronan: Nay. He seemed like sloth too. Nothing upstairs.

Sweary: He’s a nay. Creepy little dude with a very average voice.

Stacey Soloman!

Ronan: I hated Stacey. Couldn’t believe she made it so far and Lucie left after 4/5 weeks. Ridiculous. Nay for Stacey. Or should I say? Oh My Gawd, I can’t believe, she just got nayyer every week!

Sweary: “Wos “nay” mean? I dinn-owww!” I loved her. She seemed like such a sweet girl, although definitely not cynical enough for this business. And I loved that deep voice she has. Yay for Stace!

Olly Murs!

Sweary: Yay for Olly. I love Olly. A real showman, really entertaining to watch, and a really likeable bloke underneath the … er … tight pants?

Ronan: So, Olly second last, that mean Joe is going to win? Yay from me. Since it’s definitely a male winning this year, will they be a Steve/Leon or a Shayne? Olly would definitely be a Shayne. He’s damn entertaining and will sell bucketloads. Yay.

Joe McElderry!

Sweary: Olly would be a Shayne, Joe will be a Steve/Leon. What a pity that Joe’s going to win. He’s a nay. But it’s a nay I’m saying from behind my couch. He’s such a scary little monster, is Joe.

Ronan: Joe is going to win. I’m not sure whether he will be a Leon though. He could be successful. He’s a very consistent singer. He just needs to find some attitude somewhere. He’s very banal. Not sure whether he’s a nay though. Think he’s a yay with me. Until he disappears off our radar in a year’s time. I hope for his sake it doesn’t happen.

Sweary: He’s pitch perfect, I won’t deny that. But there’s nothing at all interesting about him, apart from how “nice” he seems. I can’t imagine his style of singing to go down well … I mean, what kind of songs could he possibly release? Maybe I’m being unimaginative. He strikes me as a little Cliff Richard; wrong era.

Ronan: Maybe he’s like a young Ronan Keating! Power ballads from here to eternity. And a Journey cover here and there.

The Result!

Ronan: Ah we knew Joe would win. Inevitable. The worst bit of it all was Rachel being allowed back on stage.

Sweary: A pal of mine just IMd me with “Congratulations to Cliff Richard on winning the X Factor!”

Ronan: It’ll be interesting to see how his career goes.He could be really sucessful if given the right songs. Could well be the new Elton or the new George Michael. He seems like a nice fella, so I hope he does well.

Sweary: He’s the perfect winner, isn’t he? Inoffensive, mild-mannered, a completely blank canvas, with zero sex appeal so you can bring your kids to his concerts … Elton and George write their own songs. Could Joe develop into a song writer?

Ronan:He could. He doesn’t seem like a total wally, but then again he doesn’t ever need to write anything, as long as he picks the right covers, as well as getting people like Ryan Tedder or Eg White on board.

Sweary: That’s rather depressing. Then again, this is the X Factor. I watch it for the spectacle, the fun … I have zero interest once a winner is announced. I was delighted for Alexandra last year, but I don’t have a single song of hers on my iPod!

Ronan: I won’t have any of them on my iPod. Not my cup of tea. I’m a fan of the show, not the music. Like me with Stacey, I automatically hated her before she started singing.

Sweary: Which would explain why we both like Jedward … Ok, the result. Yay or nay?

Ronan:I wanted Olly to win, but it’s hard to call as of yet. I think as regards the actual song, Joe’s version is better. So based on that: Yay.

Sweary:Joe’s version was note-perfect, but I think Olly’s was more heartfelt, and a good vocalist has to be more than just note perfect. As corny as it sounds, I think Olly had soul. I’d much prefer to see Olly in concert, too. he’s so much more fun.

Ronan:Would you go to see him tough? Really?

Sweary: I … He’s actually the first X Factor contestant I’d consider going to see. If I got free tickets…

Well, that’s it. Tears have been shed, throats have been sore, hairstyles confusing and Danyl a smug wee so and so. All that remains is your input, culch fans! Tell us, darlings … how was X Factor 2009 for you?