Sweary’s Jaw

Surreptitiously lighting candles for Brad and Angelina, so you don’t have to.

All of your favourite celebrities (and most of your least favourite too) have been very busy this week with various fundraisers for Haiti, including MTV’s Hope For Haiti telethon, which raised a whopping $58 million. And there’s no way on Earth I’d find something snotty, snooty or snippy to say about that. Using your celebrity for good is nothing new, and of course we have to keep in mind that any star wishing to maintain a positive image could not turn down a request to give time to such a worthy cause … but of course, we have to then remember the people who got off their arses to put forth that unignorable request in the first place. So kudos to the likes of George Clooney, Angelina Jolie, and, of course, Wyclef Jean. And fair play, too, to those stars who contributed over and above by writing original songs for downloads supporting the Haiti relief efforts. It’s good to be reminded of all the positive in the shallow world of modern celebrity.

But one conspicuous celebrity absence from the Hope For Haiti telethon was Jaw favourite, Kanye West. Initial reports suggested that Kanye was not invited to take part as his mouth tends to mimic the trajectory of a drunken skanger pushed downhill in a shopping trolley; sources whispered that Kanye and his attention-grabbing, train wreck ways were not what was needed for a cause much, much bigger than himself. MTV was quick to rubbish these whispers, though, by stating that Kanye had been invited, but didn’t respond. Which, of course, made him seem an even bigger spanner. Sweet revenge!

(Having said all that, during my exhaustive research, I came across a snippet from another news site which made Kanye look not just like a spanner, but the entire tool shed. Behold!

I do like a juvenile laugh at an innocent typo, me.)

Another celebrity who recently missed the opportunity to prove herself worthy of all that public attention was Gossip Girl actress, wannabe rawk star, “fragrance” hawker, and Brat Extraordinaire, Taylor Momsen. If you don’t know who she is, don’t bother Google; sure all you need to know is right here! When asked how she intended to contribute to the Haitian relief efforts, Taylor spluttered, “Right now I’m trying to just finish my record and getting through the last season of Gossip Girl for right now. So not so much thinking about that.” Right now. In fairness, little miss Momsen is only sixteen, and is hardly the first teenager on the planet so up herself she can’t see past her own eyeliner. More at fault here (as that quote has been splattered all over the internet in the last week, as proof of what an undeserving cow the wee thing is) are Taylor’s meeja handlers, who surely should have been able to predict that questions about huge news stories may be put to her at promotional appearances. What truly makes her comment so cringeworthy is that the girl cannot stop ranting about how no one takes her seriously. See, ain’t that the kicker? If we treat her as an adult, then we must be horrified at her ignorance and insensitivity. If we excuse her as a child, she howls that no one believes how hard-working she is. The choice, as far as I can make out, is that Taylor either grows up, or shuts up. Brilliant, no? I am a mother myself, you know. Anyway, thus endeth your introduction to all things Taylor Momsen. You can thank me later.

Also acting the muppet is rapper (with two p’s) Dizzee Rascal, who threw a bit of a fit during press time at Sydney’s Big Day Out. Reporter Alison Stephenson asked, for some reason, whether Dizzee had ever fallen over on stage. Perhaps because his stage name is Dizzee? I don’t know. Anyway, Dizzee admitted that he had, and so the reporter began what she claims was some light-hearted banter about the perils of standing upright, ending with a teasing, “So, you didn’t eat the floor or anything like that?” Mr. Rascal went immediately from Dizzee to Pissee and retorted,

“What the fuck do you want from me man, I’ve already said I done it. Yeah I stacked it, bitch. Fuck!”

Perhaps he presumed “eating the floor” meant … well, something similar that we sometimes say about carpets, if you catch my frisbee, and was aghast at Ms. Stephenson’s blase attitudes to his private acts of lurve? Whatever Dizzee’s reasons for losing the rag, he knew he’d made a bit of a Tittee out of himself, as he refused to do further interviews until the tape of his foul-mouthed Hissee fit was destroyed. Dearee Mee! Alright, I’ll stop now.

And because I’m worn out from all the weak Dizzee-related misspellings, I’m going to finish up this week’s Jaw with some lovely photographs. We all know you lot don’t care for the words, anyway.

This is Chris Brown, who’s famous for beating up ex-girlfriend Rihanna, and also doing a bit of singing, or something like that. Chris has been doing his best to distance himself from his violent actions; here, he poses with fashion legend Jean Paul Gaultier, whose latest collection had a warrior theme, and … Oh.

It’s just too poignant.

What’s more poignant is the length to which Robert Pattinson will go to hide himself from crazy Twilight moms.

Growing his own balaclava. What a trooper.

But you know what’s even more poignant than that? Remember last week I told you all about Heidi Montag and her confident album sales predictions (she would make her $2million investment back in the first week, because all of her Twitter fans loved her all the ways to the bottom of their pockets)? Well, she’s sold less than 1000 copies so far.

This makes me feel kind of … bad. I don’t really know why. I’m sure it’s part of some grand plan, Heidi being as media savvy as she is. Still, though. Ouch.