Sweary’s Jaw

Surreptitiously collecting Megan Fox’s “Before” photos, so you don’t have to.

First off, the news you’ve been waiting for and chewing your fingernails over all summer … Derek from Crystal Swing has received, and been made “happy” by, his Leaving Cert results!

I know! I was totes fretting too, what with Derek’s busy gallivanting schedule; all that leppin’ about can’t be good for the noggin nor the joints. But all that is good and sensible has prevailed, just like in the end of that movie. Downfall, I think it was called.

Fair play to Derek for sitting through what all the non-Swinging children had to sit through! Fair play to him for keeping his praying mantis feet firmly on the ground! If only all of the famous childers had the same work ethic and fetching geansaí as Derek, the world, and this here column, would be that bit sweeter. Instead I’m forced to contend with the all-encompassing brattishness of oblivious plebs like Taylor Momsen, who’s recently given an interview to Spin Magazine which should prove beyond all reasonable doubt that she should be encased in carbonite and placed indefinitely in the cargo hold.

Taylor, in case you don’t know who she is, is a sometime actress and sub-Paramore warbler who, at the age of seventeen, enjoys wandering about the gaff with no pants on. It’s a look she calls, “high-class hooker”. It’s a look sane people call “every pervert’s dream”. The little “madam” couldn’t be further from the Truth if it was on a package holiday in the Horsehead Nebula: if there were such a thing as a high-class hooker, she certainly wouldn’t be attempting to channel a recently-murdered crackhead through the awesome power of visible knickers. That’s, like, specialist shit.

“Clearly, it’s provocative, but it makes me feel good. And if the only reason it makes someone uncomfortable is because I’m 17, then that person’s a scumbag because it shouldn’t matter,” said the Ridiculous One, who appears not to have not legal guardian nor PR guru to hand. Who here believes that children shouldn’t be trussed in bondage gear and paraded into the eyeline of every deviant under the sun? You stupid scumbags! So what if they’re underage? IT DOESN’T MATTER, LIKE, D’AW.

Should you need any more proof that this poor, spoilt numbskull should stick to less mindless scripts from here on in, she then had a go at the generally classy Rihanna for daring to wear a leather jacket. Because that’s, like, rock, and Rihanna’s, like, so not. I bet she doesn’t even listen to Paramore. Or even cut herself.

Phew. Need a composure break. Let’s all take a look at this!

Why yes, that is Daniel Craig during his stint with Def Leppard!

Ok, let’s move on.

In other please-don’t-let-teenagers-into-the-public-sphere-they’re-bad-enough-when-they’re-smoking-joints-on-my-garden-wall news, squeaky pipsqueak Justin Bieber and Cat People extra Kim Kardashian have been on a photoshoot for Elle magazine, looking exceedingly creepy and citing The Graduate as inspiration.

Yes, there’s nothing more stylish than a thirty-year-old woman simulating sexual interest in a sixteen-year-old child, is there? I am STUNNED BY and COVETING their threads and lifestyle and provocative message. Oh yes. And I’d like to point out that if this were t’other way ’round, if a sixteen-year-old popstrel girl with a huge tween audience and a fluffy stable of songs about being in lurve was photographed with a thirty-year-old man made famous by his leaked (and leaky, fnar) sex-tape, in a shoot openly inspired by the seduction of an ingénue, I would not be AT ALL ALARMED EITHER. There is nothing more wholesome than Kim Kardashian pawing at Justin Bieber’s comet trail and pretending she has a longing for his nether regions. NOTHING AT ALL.

Now, let’s all wipe that from our collective memory with this handy prop!

It’s a real mind-wiper, isn’t it? Perhaps I should send it on to Mel Gibson, whose dad, Hutton, clearly feels he’s not been quite vilified enough, and has tried to rectify same by banging on in an interview with RadarOnline about how the Vatican is full of child molesters, all protected by “slippery character” Pope Benedict, because he’s a flaming yet well-disguised homosexual. Or perhaps Daniel’s side-splitting image should be forwarded to George Michael, who’s in need of a pick-me-up after being charged with possession and driving under the influence, a move so obvious for his poor addled self that I thought Sky News had forgotten to take down the story from four years ago. Then again, it’s not as if George needs any other mind-wipers, now is it?

Perhaps the population of the Isle Of Wight could do with a dose of forgetfulness, after being let down so crudely by legendary actress Emma Thompson. Emma appeared recently on Craig Ferguson’s Late Late Show, and somehow got into making jokes about the islanders’ reactions to gay, Irish, and Scottish people. Stoned, flogged or shot, I believe she said. Oh, and tortured. It’s in the rules, apparently. Never mind, though. Some gay visitors “enjoy” the floggings, so that’s alright. Naturally, the stuffier stuffshirts of the Isle have sniffily invited Emma to come along and see how welcoming and modern and enlightened the place is, which sounds like a bloody trap to me. Don’t do it, Emma! Those people are animals!

Perhaps we could send a decoy? I know!

He looks just like her, for God’s sake!