Facts Movies have taught us

Been a while since my last venture into Culch Towers, but I thought you might be tickled by this.

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1. When they’re alone, foreigners all prefer to speak English to each other.

2. If being chased through a city, you can take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade. At any time of year.

3. All beds have L shaped sheets that reach up to armpit level on the woman, but only waist high on the man lying beside her.

4. The Chief of Police will either suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to complete the job.

5. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

6. Anyone can land a plane provided there is someone to talk them down.

7. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place, no one will ever look for you there and you can also access any other part of the building from there.

8. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are partnered up with their complete polar opposite.

9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

10. All bombs are fitted with large digital LED read outs so that you can tell exactly when it’s going to go off.

11. If you need to reload your gun you will always have more ammunition even if you haven’t been carrying any to begin with.

12. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, you need not speak German. A strong German accent will do the job.

13. You will almost certainly survive any battle or war scene, unless you tell a tearful reminiscent story of your mother or show a picture of your sweet heart waiting for you back home.

14. If your town is threatened by a huge natural disaster/meteorite/huge snarling alien then your mayor’s first concern will be his forthcoming election/art exhibit.

15. A man will show no signs of pain when having the shite beaten out of him, but wince when a woman cleans his wounds.

16. When paying for a taxi, never look in your wallet. Just grab whatever is in there and hand it over, it will always be the exact fare.

17. Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, just open the fridge door and use the light from that.

18. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

19. Mothers will routinely cook a full breakfast with all the trimmings for their family, even though the family never has time to eat any of it.

20. All American telephone numbers begin with 555.

21. Cars that crash will almost certainly burst into flames.

22. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of the RDS.

23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

24. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

25. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye at the start or the end of a phone conversation.

26. Even when driving down a straight road it is essential that you turn the wheel from left to right every moment or so.

27. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

28. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

29. It doesn’t matter if you are involved in a fight heavily involving martial arts. Your opponents will all patiently attack you one by one dancing around in a threatening manner while you beat the snot out of the others.

30. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

31. No one ever involved in a car crash/alien invasion/hijacking/explosion/volcanic eruption/zombie take over will ever go into shock.

32. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off, even while scuba diving.

33. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

34. Any lock can be picked with a credit card/chainsaw in a hurry when needed. Except when there’s a kid trapped in a burning building.

35. Explosions are every day things and should never be looked at.