Dear oh dear. Dear oh dear oh dear oh dear. I decided to give Vampires Suck a fighting (biting?) chance, based solely on my intense and utter disdain for the sulky heap of balls that is the Twilight saga. I had quietly (foolishly, more like) hoped for even a semi-decent spoof, but it appears that the genre well and truly died on its arse around the time of Scary Movie. Gone are the days of Airplane!, The Naked Gun and genuinely funny Mel Brooks parodies, supplanted instead by films based on fart jokes and pop culture references that are out of date by the time you leave the cinema.
The few actual funny moments (there are around three, and they’re probably all in the trailer anyway) are the ones where they just recycle and exaggerate exact scenes from Twilight. Although they’re still not even close to enough to make it worth seeing. Saying that, Jenn Proske managed to channel Kristen Stewart’s mopey, lip-bitey, insecure and irritatingly (not endearingly, as you no doubt intended, Stephenie Meyer) clumsy central character so well that I spent much of the film wanting to drop kick Becca Crane in the face as much as I want to do the same to Bella Swan. Which actually means that she did as good a job in the role as she possibly could.
I often get annoyed reading movie reviews where the writer completely slates a film that they’re quite obviously not the target audience for. However, I would have considered myself an ideal audience member for this, in that I love a good sendup and anything lampooning Twilight is absolutely fine by me, but Vampires Suck is just not that good or funny, unfortunately. You would be infinitely better off just reading How Twilight Works by (my hero) The Oatmeal. Or, having endured the first Twilight film, I can safely say that you could just watch that instead, seeing as it’s already unintentionally hilarious as it is.
