All this week we’ll be talking about those things that we just couldn’t be without for 40 days and 40 nights. First up, White Rabbit’s love affair with the hot stuff…
Someone once suggested that I give up Tea for Lent and I laughed in their face for 20 straight minutes long after they forgot what I was laughing at, became uncomfortable and left me stand there alone clutching my sides. HA. Give up Tea. That’s hilarious.
Whilst they say that the normal human body is 70% water and 30% body goo (I don’t know, I’m not a Scientist), my body is 70% Tea. Cut me and I bleed Tea. The single worst day of my life was the 9th August 2010 - THE DAY WE RAN OUT OF TEA BAGS and the shop was closed so I had to wait until the morning. I roamed the streets, tears streaming down my face, tearing out my hair, falling to my knees and wailing “WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME JEBUS?!”. Not really but I was in a extremely bad mood I’ll tell you that.
I don’t love Tea. Tea loves me. Very little for me beats a decent, warm and welcoming cup of Tea on a rainy day. Or a sunny day. Or any day.
Tea allows me to become a fully functioning human being in the morning. I need Tea. Tea wakes me up with a soft kiss on the forehead and tells me that although the next eight to nine hours will be filled with spreadsheets full of statistics I don’t care about or understand, Mildred from HR telling me another fascinating story about her cat Mr Tinkles and more time that I would like to admit wondering if I slipped out the bathroom window and escaped would anyone notice that everything is going to be ok because the day will eventually end and I’ll soon be back in bed. Does coffee do that? No. Coffee wakes you up with a punch in the face and tells you you’re fat.
Tea is the liqueur of the Gods. It doesn’t matter what kind of Tea you prefer (unless you like Earl Grey which makes you, quite frankly, a barbarian); Tea is magnificent in most forms.
Give up Tea. HA. That’s…that’s unthinkable. I have 6 cups of Tea on average a day. What would I even begin to think about replacing it with during Lent? Coffee? Don’t make me laugh. Coffee might smell incredible but it tastes like piss and hopelessness. Green Tea? I don’t live in a commune and wear clothes made of hemp. Vodka? No one needs to see me streak naked past the water cooler on a Tuesday afternoon. No one. No. Tea is not a choice; Tea is a non-negotiable, vital part of the delicate ecosystem that is my body.
Give. Up. TEA? Lent can bugger off.
What would Jesus think? Well I’m sure if he could have had a good cup of English Breakfast blend in Jerusalem, he would certainly agree with me.
